Hello! Happy Monday!

     The kids and I spent some time "in town" last week getting a few things for school, and I couldn't believe how fast this summer went! Well, first it felt slow, but then it flew by! Does that make any sense? Anyway, I'm gonna miss the kids when they head back to school. I know the "usual" joke heading back into school is the (tongue-in-cheek, soaked in sarcasm) "sooooo sad, the kids are heading back to school!", but I actually enjoyed the kids this summer! Hahaha, well, that sounded bad! Seriously though, the kids do the usual fighting, complaining, whining and asking "what are we going to do today" instead of just doing and being kids, but overall, I've really enjoyed watching my kids grow and change this summer. We had some pretty serious road bumps like the surfacing of some pretty little liars, and Caleb developing a stutter, but it was good. It was really good. And, besides that, it's the only summer I'll ever have with them being 12 (turned 13), 7 & 8. So, that's worth cherishing!
   
      Anywhooooooooo...... 

     I wanted to share today some school lunch ideas! A few years ago it dawned on me that sending "the typical" lunch with my kids was weird....because I never (ever!) give my kids a "normal" lunch all summer or on the weekends, so why would I send a "traditional" lunch to school?!? During the summer (besides when they're at camp) and every weekend, lunch is something like a 1 hour grazing period that includes fruits, veggies, leftovers, and, well, whatever! If I make the kids sit for a lunch during the summer and weekends, it's usually a "Dutch Lunch" as we call it, which consists of fruits, veggies, usually meats and cheese, crackers, pickles, raisins, ya know, basically a large snack. 

     I know a lot of Moms feed their kids like this is real life, so adding stress to the school year by thinking we're suddenly required to make a proper (sandwich, etc.) lunch is silly! ***SIDE NOTE**** If you do make sandwiches for your kids because they like them and actually eat them - then make sandwiches! This is not an "anti-sandwich" post, it's a "do what you've been doing!" post!  :)   Does that make sense??? No Mommy guilt here is what I'm trying to say! It takes all kinds of Moms to make the world go 'round, so do what you do, and do it the best you can!  

    If you journey with me to Fall 2014, you'll find a post a wrote about Back To School, where I share some of my tips & tricks for making the school year *relatively* stress-free (if your school year seems completely stress free...you're missing something....you may need your meds adjusted). I joke. Ok, I only joke a little. Anywho, read that post, then come back here. 

    I'll wait. 

    Ok, so, today I just want to share some easy, healthy, snack-meals for kids lunches!

   Enjoy! Oh, and don't forget to take a minute to comment and share some good kids lunch ideas with me! 

    This is the lunch menu I use for my kids. It's from a site called "Hello, Cuteness", which is currently on hiatus for some reason. Anyway, it's really cute, and I've been using it for about  4 years. 
 

​    I mention this in the Back To School post from 2014, but for me, making a lunch menu saves me grief. I don't want to stand and stare into the fridge wondering what to pack my kids for lunches. And because we do our grocery shopping only once a week, and at a grocery store 40 minutes away, I can't just helter skelter pack my kids lunches because I can't just run to the store to replace what I've used if I realize I needed it for a planned dinner. Yes, we have a little grocer here where I live, but things are more expensive, and therefore not cost effective for this one-income house. 
    
    If you don't want a lunch menu, then don't do one! Again, no Mommy-guilt here! I've said it before, and I'll say it again (and again!) it's about finding what works for you, and making it work! 

     In the lunch menu shown below, the girls are separate from Caleb because there are a few differences in their preferences, and so it was easier for me to have 2 menus. Also, "special fruit" in the girls' menu refers to a different fruit they get to choose during our Sunday shopping trip that I'll pack into their lunches. It's just a chance for them to have a fruit we wouldn't ordinarily buy, but that they really enjoy!

      Caleb's menu says "fruits" on opposite days of "Apple" because I didn't want to have to put exactly what that "fruit" would be, but I wanted to try to not send the same fruit every day because of a faulty memory! :)  So, "fruit" usually means a banana, orange, clementine, pineapple, peach, berries, basically whatever might be seasonal or on sale that Caleb enjoys! 

      I've found that my kids eat the most when they have a variety, and not too much of anything. If your child does like sandwiches, maybe just make them a half sandwich so that they aren't overwhelmed by an entire sandwich that they may not want or have time to eat. 

​    Here's a site you might not look at for kids lunches, but Beach Body on Demand has a post called "6 Simple No-Cook Snacks To make This Week" (it's a long title....and it's not no cook because hard-boiled eggs don't come out of a chicken that way!), but anyway, I still like the snack (lunches, really) ideas. 

 Rachel over at Following in my Shoes shares a post called "Paleo & Primal Lunch Box Ideas", and I love the cute food list she's created for it! Even if you're not feeding your kids Paleo or Primal, it's a super healthy food list, which any kid could benefit from.

      You'll want to check the post out because she shares the downloadable file for the list! Print it out,  and stick it inside a cupboard door for easy reference! 
 

   Check out my Pinterest board for "School Lunch Ideas" to see all I've been pinning, or check out my board "For Adam To Take To Work" for your older children or kids with a more adult palette! 

    I hope you enjoyed this post! Let me know in the comments below if you did, or share with me your favourite lunch as a kid, and be sure to share any of your lunch packing tips! 

     Hello! I'm still here!

     We've just returned from our time at Pleasant Bay Camp, where I was once again the camp cook! 

      It was a good experience again, and my stress levels were waaaaaaay down from last year. One reason for that was that it wasn't an unknown (even though there are many variables in planning, prepping, and serving food to large numbers) because I'd already done the cooking at this camp last year, and also this year was a lot easier ("easier"-it's still a lot of hard work with long, long hours!) because I had adult help! I loved my kitchen staff from last summer, but it wasn't until this year where I had consistent grown-up help that I went "ooohhhhh....last summer was extra stressful, and extra work because I had (wonderful, sweet) teens helping me who knew nothing. Nothing!".

        Anywho, one struggle I had last year planning the menu, and this year with updating and simplifying it, was nutrition. These kids at camp are outdoors basically all day, are in the sun, are swimming, boating, waterskiing, tubing, rock-wall climbing, walking and running, playing on the playground, the list goes on and on, and these kids need food that is fuel! Summer camp cooking can be hard because of budgets, and the number of staff available to do fruit & veggie prep work. But I was blessed both last summer and this to be able to buy good food for the kids, and the staff to get fresh fruits and vegetables out to the kids and staff every day, and at every meal. 

​       Back in the spring, Katie Cruz from Consider Digital asked if she could write a guest post for me at Bushel & A peck, and after looking over some of her writing, and considering the topics she wanted to write about, I thought that an article about nutrition for child athletes would be perfect! I have Abigail & Keziah in soccer in the spring, and so I am feeling first hand the need for fitness nutrition, and I’m also with a lot of other Moms and Dads who, in the rush to make it to practices and games, often let the nutrition of their kids suffer.
 
      And with trying to plan meals that would be nutritionally sound for the active campers I was charged with feeding, I thought this article was perfect for me, and worthy of sharing! Also, I am a "soccer mom", and I watched kids come to games and practices who hadn't had anything to eat in hours, or (even worse) they'd shovelled back a McDonald's Happy Meal on the car ride over. I'd overhead conversations like "what do you want for supper after practice? Pizza? Happy meal?". As though those were the only options. I'm not here to pass judgement, because I know how hard it can be to feed kids that are on the go, and my kids have eaten their fair share of happy meals, but when it comes to kids expelling extra energy, feeding them well is so important. If you had a race car, would you just siphon fuel out of any old vehicle to give to your car? Not likely. Kids need good food as fuel, so enjoy this article from Katie, and let me know what you think, or if you have any helpful tips you want to share! 
​

Nutrition Advice For Child Athletes
 
      This article is for the soccer parents out there who give their unwavering support to their children from the sidelines. Shouting the loudest, jumping the highest and giving their children everything they need in order to succeed in the sporting arena. Back in the day, sports nutrition was relatively new to everyone with most being unaware of the physical benefits it could provide in performance.
 
       Parents strive to give their little sports stars all the tools they need to be the best they can be. This should also include giving them the right food for pre-game energy and post-game recovery. To understand what type of meals you should be fuelling your child’s engine with for sport competitions, read the recommended tips in this article.
 
    Through it all, remember to take care of yourself too. More on real food here!

Nutritional Needs of Child Athletes
 
      Little sports stars have a higher energy and fluid requirement because they are involved in all-day competitions and strenuous endurance sports like competitive swimming. Besides getting the right amount of calories, it takes a variety of nutrients, vitamins and minerals to keep young athletes performing at their best: 
 

• Calcium helps build strong bones to resist breaking and stress fractures. Low-fat dairy products like yogurt and cheese as well as leafy green vegetables such a broccoli are calcium rich foods.
• Iron aids in carrying oxygen to all the different parts of the body that require it. Iron rich foods include lean meat, chicken, tuna, salmon, eggs, dried fruits, leafy greens and fortified whole grains.
• Protein helps to build and repair muscles. Fish, lean meat, poultry, beans, nuts and soy products are protein rich. Take note that an excessive amount of protein can lead to dehydration and calcium loss. Protein aids muscle recovery when consumed after exercise and should account for 10% to 15% of the caloric intake.

• Fat should account for 25% to 30% of total calories. High-fat foods may cause discomfort if eaten too close to the start of physical activity, but some fat is needed on a regular basis for growth. Add healthy fat that’s found in avocados, tuna, canola oil, soy, and nuts to your child’s meal.
• Carbohydrates provide energy for your child athlete and it is the most important source of fuel. Note that there is no need for “carbo loading” prior to a big game, but without any carbohydrates in their system, kids will be running on empty. When you're choosing carbs, look for whole-grain foods like whole-wheat pasta, brown rice, whole-grain bread and cereal, and plenty of fruits and vegetables. You can even find carbohydrates in nutritional supplements like PediaSure that provide complete and balanced nutrition suitable for children between the ages of one to 10. It has an advanced blend of 3 carbohydrate sources to promote maximum digestion and absorption for balanced energy release.

 

Water and lots of it
 
    It’s essential for child athletes to drink plenty of fluids to prevent dehydration. Lack of fluids can decrease your child’s strength, energy, and coordination and potentially lead to heat-related illnesses. Even mild dehydration can affect athletic performance.  Experts recommend that kids drink water or other fluids before and every 15 to 20 minutes during physical activity. It's important to drink afterward to restore fluid lost through sweat. Plain water is typically enough to keep kids hydrated. If your child is participating in a strenuous physical activity lasting longer than an hour, then you can consider a sports drink that is designed to provide energy and replace electrolytes like protein, sodium and potassium that your child will lose in sweat. After exercising for 60 to 90 minutes, the body has used up its readily available sources of energy. Sports drinks are also a good alternative for kids who participate in sports but won't drink enough water.
 
    In 2011, the American Academy of Paediatrics published a statement on the use of sports drinks and energy drinks for children and adolescents, stating that they can benefit from using sports drinks containing carbohydrates, proteins and electrolytes but are of little benefit for the average child engaged in routine physical activity. For them, water is sufficient. During intense physical activities, whatever beverage a child will drink the most of is the best choice to prevent dehydration. However, the bottom line is that for most young athletes, water is the best choice for hydration. After the activity, carbohydrates and electrolytes can be replenished through nutritious food.

       So, that's it for now! 

     I'm heading out for the week with the kids, but hopefully I'll put something up again here soon! I've got some nice recipes lined up, and look forward to sharing them!

      I hope your summer is going well, wherever you are & whatever you're doing!
​

   It's a week of firsts for me here on Bushel & A Peck!

   On Monday I opened up my first ever giveaway (go there quickly and enter if you haven't already!), and today I'm trying out something I've been meaning to do for OVER A YEAR!!!! Seriously, this is how long it's taken me to actually do this thing called "Five Minute Friday" that is hosted by a woman named Kate Motaung from Heading Home. 

    It started with another woman, Lisa-Jo Baker, who passed the torch to Kate in 2014. Both Lisa-Jo and Kate are honest, real women. Get digging around their blogs to see what I mean! 

    Anyway, "Five Minute Friday"  is a weekly event that encourages anyone to write for 5 minutes (no cheating!) about whatever the prompt is. 

    I've enjoyed reading many, many of the writings from bloggers around the world (and people who write their 5 minutes worth into the comments), and I kept wanting to try it....but then I kept forgetting. 

     Even though the link-up is open for the whole week (Friday to Thursday), I've always wanted to do it on a Friday! No real reason (except perhaps being slightly OCD.....?), but that really held me back because I would usually remember on any day but Friday! Haha, I know, I'm reading back now and seeing how crazy it is that I was so insistent on it being done on a Friday, but there you have it! 

      So, again, this is a 5 minute writing challenge, for no real reason except to push yourself to write what comes to mind, unfiltered, un-edited, and share with others! It's a welcome challenge when writing feels stale and forced. 

     I went to Kate's website this morning to see the prompt, opened a Word document, set my iPhone timer, and let it go (let it go! Don't hold back anymore! Crap, "Frozen" has ruined everything!) :)  

     So, here it is! My 5 minutes worth of writing!

      Ready...GO! 


       Living in an area that is considered “rural” (aka-the sticks!), I think about our safety a lot.
 
      We often have the power go out, we are a one vehicle family and if I need to pick up a child from school, I can’t because I am home all day without a vehicle! We have slippery stairs and woolen socks, we have a youngest daughter named Keziah who was properly nick-named “kez-aster” by one of her cousins! We have an outdoor wood stove that gets to 190 degrees and can be treacherous to fill, the list could go on and on!
 
       I could be gripped with fear everyday about what could happen. But instead, I turn to what I find safety in. My family. My husband, my 3 children, our 2 babies in heaven, and my God & faith.
 
     I am safe and loved. Within the walls of our beautiful century farmhouse is laughter, good meals, lots of sweets, hugs and kisses, prayers and crying, honesty and trust.
 
    Those things change in the quality and quantity on a day to day basis, but I know that there will always be some of it. Something there to call home, to feel safe. To belong.
 
     I want to create an atmosphere in our home of safety. Knowing that no matter what kind of day was had at school, work, or whatever, that we can meet up here, safe and loved and valued for who we are as individuals. Separate, but together. Created fearfully and wonderfully. Knit together in the womb, and brought together as a family.
 
     My home (where my heart is), my family, feels safe. 


      STOP!  :)  

    Well, that's it! 

    I was going to share a recipe today too....except it's not ready, and if I don't post this right now, it just won't happen! 

    I've been finding it hard to carve out the time to blog recently (hence the lack of posts around here!), and that's part of why I want to participate in Five Minute Friday. It won't get me any new readers, it won't really become a Pinterest sensation, but, it will get me writing again for FUN! Just quick, don't-overthink-it, kind of writing, which is refreshing! 

    So, don't forget me over here in my corner of the internet, I'm still here! 

    Ok, let me show you something that is happening right now though, it's part of the reason I feel like I have no time these days! 

   We've been converting our guest room into Caleb's new bedroom, so that his bedroom can become--well, I'll leave the reason why we're moving Caleb for another day. 

    But, his new room is small and funny shaped, and he is getting BIG (he's 5'6" now!), so he needed a bigger bed, and yadda yadda, planning planning, searching Pinterest, and finally we decided to build him a hanging loft bed! Then we decided to cover up the ugly pipe running up the corner of his room (we got  a new furnace put it, and heat runs going upstairs, which means ugly pipes everywhere now!!!) and build a bench around it...then we ripped out the flooring to see what was underneath! Oh, and I painted everything first! Long story short (or short story long...?) it's been quite the project, but I see light at the end of the tunnel! I think we should be done really soon, then I'll share the finished product! 

     Ok, that's all!

     We have a busy weekend ahead of us with friends coming over tonight for dinner, then tomorrow heading off to Kingston for a Valentines dance that I'll be singing at with The Lasalle Causeway Swing Band, then Sunday I'm teaching Sunday School while Adam plays piano for worship team, and then we're going to have lunch with some friends!!! Phew! 

    It'll be good! 

    Have a great weekend, whatever your plans! 

​     Peace out! 

         

    Last Sunday while grocery shopping, my husband looked over at me and said, "what's wrong? You look pissed".

    I was. 

    3 years has passed since we our daughter Ezra passed away in a late-term miscarriage. 3 years has passed since we didn't hear the heartbeat at my mid-wife appointment. 3 years has passed since we went to the ultrasound clinic and encountered a technician so cruel and heartless, and who treated me and my situation as though it were less important than the lunch break he was late for. 

    3 years.

    And suddenly, in the produce section of my grocery store, there stood this ultrasound technician. Right near the celery.
 
    And, despite my vow to not swear during lent, I suddenly found myself answering my husbands' question of "what's wrong? You look pissed" with something like, "I am pissed! This is the douche-bag technician who made one of the shittiest days of my life even shittier! I want to punch him in the face!".  I wasn't exactly whispering either.

    I was surprised that seeing that man's face made me so angry, so quickly. So much time has gone by! 3 years! And still, a face can rip a scab off a wound I've been carefully tending to.        

     
     About a month ago I was cleaning out our office, and came across a binder I had gotten from my mid-wife when I went to my first appointment for my pregnancy with Ezra. The pages were mostly blank. They were meant to have notes about the pregnancy, labour and delivery, and the 6 week post-partum check-up on the baby. 

    Instead, it had 3 notes from the 3 appointments I had gone to at weeks 8, 12, and 16. There was nothing else in it. My mid-wife didn't need it anymore.

   3 years later.....I still had it. 

   I looked in it, I cried in it, I closed it, then I walked it out to our outdoor wood stove and threw it in, and watched it burn.
  
    As I was sitting there looking at this mostly empty binder, I knew that I kept it for this long because I wanted to cherish those few mid-wife appointments I'd had, and I felt like keeping that binder kept Ezra real somehow.

    Instead of an empty binder though, I want to keep the little box of things we collected in memory of Ezra and her short life. These things touched her body, have her name on them, have love written out in cards to our family. I want to close my eyes and feel the weight of her, all wrapped up in her hospital blanket that is tucked away in her memory box, and remember how heart breaking it was to sit there crying with my husband over our daughters' death. That is a moment, a real moment.  I want to look at the garden we made her, and imagine she would have been just as beautiful as it is when it's in full bloom and greenery. 

   I want to think about, and surround my thoughts of Ezra with those things, not emptiness, which is what the binder offered. 

  I want something real, something I can take hold of. Something I can cherish, and give away in equal parts. I want joy, and joy won't be found in a binder, but it can be found in my heart.
   

   In the last 3 years, 3 years of serious ups and downs, I have decided that for joy to be present in my life, I needed to chose to have a spirit of gratitude.

   Having gratitude and healing the heart doesn't equal forgetting, "moving on", or "getting over it". Choosing gratitude means believing that good is available if we look for it.
  
    Choosing gratitude does not mean saying "I am grateful I lost my loved one", nor does gratitude mean to live in a state of constant denial of your pain and the situation you are in. 

    Gratitude is defined as "the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for, and to return, kindness". 

    If I said to you, "stop being thankful, do not show any appreciation for any kindness shown to you, and do not show kindness to others!" what would you say? You would think I was a terrible human being, most likely.   

      There's an old saying that if you've forgotten the language of gratitude, you'll never be on speaking terms with happiness. And I wanted happiness. In the midst of all the pain, my heart wanted happiness. Wanting some happiness is a universal feeling, and having it requires gratitude.   

   I still miss Ezra, I still cry when I think of the loss. I still wonder about what life would have been like with her in the house, living with our family. But now, I read my own story and cry because I remember how tormented I felt by grief, but am now filled with gratitude that I made it to the other side. 

    If you are at the beginning of your uphill climb and you are thinking, "this woman is crazy and heartless, and my pain is killing me!", I am deeply sorry.
  
   It is not my intention to hurt anyone in their grief. My intention is to share my heart, my experience, and to give you hope and let you know you are not alone.

    Your grief is real, the journey is long and hard and different for everyone. But I promise, you are not alone in this.

    I still feel pangs of jealousy when other women are pregnant. I still haven't gotten too close to a newborn because it still just seems like too much, and apparently I still need to forgive the ultrasound technician from all those years ago......but in all this, in all the things I'm still trying to deal with, I can, and you can (you CAN!) start to let your heart have gratitude in it. Gratitude will be a healing oil that seeps into your life and can fill you with love and hope again. I promise.


xoxoxo             

    To read  more about my experiences with the miscarriage of Ezra, you can read the stories at "Ezra Faith", and "Ezra Faith: Two Years Gone".
    You can also read about the son we lost, at "Abraham", and also at "Remembering & Forgetting: Abraham".  
    There is also a story about coping at "Feeling Blue"      

     Hello! Happy Monday!

     The kids and I spent some time "in town" last week getting a few things for school, and I couldn't believe how fast this summer went! Well, first it felt slow, but then it flew by! Does that make any sense? Anyway, I'm gonna miss the kids when they head back to school. I know the "usual" joke heading back into school is the (tongue-in-cheek, soaked in sarcasm) "sooooo sad, the kids are heading back to school!", but I actually enjoyed the kids this summer! Hahaha, well, that sounded bad! Seriously though, the kids do the usual fighting, complaining, whining and asking "what are we going to do today" instead of just doing and being kids, but overall, I've really enjoyed watching my kids grow and change this summer. We had some pretty serious road bumps like the surfacing of some pretty little liars, and Caleb developing a stutter, but it was good. It was really good. And, besides that, it's the only summer I'll ever have with them being 12 (turned 13), 7 & 8. So, that's worth cherishing!
   
      Anywhooooooooo...... 

     I wanted to share today some school lunch ideas! A few years ago it dawned on me that sending "the typical" lunch with my kids was weird....because I never (ever!) give my kids a "normal" lunch all summer or on the weekends, so why would I send a "traditional" lunch to school?!? During the summer (besides when they're at camp) and every weekend, lunch is something like a 1 hour grazing period that includes fruits, veggies, leftovers, and, well, whatever! If I make the kids sit for a lunch during the summer and weekends, it's usually a "Dutch Lunch" as we call it, which consists of fruits, veggies, usually meats and cheese, crackers, pickles, raisins, ya know, basically a large snack. 

     I know a lot of Moms feed their kids like this is real life, so adding stress to the school year by thinking we're suddenly required to make a proper (sandwich, etc.) lunch is silly! ***SIDE NOTE**** If you do make sandwiches for your kids because they like them and actually eat them - then make sandwiches! This is not an "anti-sandwich" post, it's a "do what you've been doing!" post!  :)   Does that make sense??? No Mommy guilt here is what I'm trying to say! It takes all kinds of Moms to make the world go 'round, so do what you do, and do it the best you can!  

    If you journey with me to Fall 2014, you'll find a post a wrote about Back To School, where I share some of my tips & tricks for making the school year *relatively* stress-free (if your school year seems completely stress free...you're missing something....you may need your meds adjusted). I joke. Ok, I only joke a little. Anywho, read that post, then come back here. 

    I'll wait. 

    Ok, so, today I just want to share some easy, healthy, snack-meals for kids lunches!

   Enjoy! Oh, and don't forget to take a minute to comment and share some good kids lunch ideas with me! 

      This is the lunch menu I use for my kids. It's from a site called "Hello, Cuteness", which is currently on hiatus for some reason. Anyway, it's really cute, and I've been using it for about  4 years. 

   I mention this in the Back To School post from 2014, but for me, making a lunch menu saves me grief. I don't want to stand and stare into the fridge wondering what to pack my kids for lunches. And because we do our grocery shopping only once a week, and at a grocery store 40 minutes away, I can't just helter skelter pack my kids lunches because I can't just run to the store to replace what I've used if I realize I needed it for a planned dinner. Yes, we have a little grocer here where I live, but things are more expensive, and therefore not cost effective for this one-income house. 
    
    If you don't want a lunch menu, then don't do one! Again, no Mommy-guilt here! I've said it before, and I'll say it again (and again!) it's about finding what works for you, and making it work! 

     In the lunch menu shown below, the girls are separate from Caleb because there are a few differences in their preferences, and so it was easier for me to have 2 menus. Also, "special fruit" in the girls' menu refers to a different fruit they get to choose during our Sunday shopping trip that I'll pack into their lunches. It's just a chance for them to have a fruit we wouldn't ordinarily buy, but that they really enjoy!

      Caleb's menu says "fruits" on opposite days of "Apple" because I didn't want to have to put exactly what that "fruit" would be, but I wanted to try to not send the same fruit every day because of a faulty memory! :)  So, "fruit" usually means a banana, orange, clementine, pineapple, peach, berries, basically whatever might be seasonal or on sale that Caleb enjoys! 

      I've found that my kids eat the most when they have a variety, and not too much of anything. If your child does like sandwiches, maybe just make them a half sandwich so that they aren't overwhelmed by an entire sandwich that they may not want or have time to eat. 

       Here's a site you might not look at for kids lunches, but Beach Body on Demand has a post called "6 Simple No-Cook Snacks To make This Week" (it's a long title....and it's not no cook because hard-boiled eggs don't come out of a chicken that way!), but anyway, I still like the snack (lunches, really) ideas. 
​

     Rachel over at Following in my Shoes shares a post called "Paleo & Primal Lunch Box Ideas", and I love the cute food list she's created for it! Even if you're not feeding your kids Paleo or Primal, it's a super healthy food list, which any kid could benefit from.

      You'll want to check the post out because she shares the downloadable file for the list! Print it out,  and stick it inside a cupboard door for easy reference! 
​

     Check out my Pinterest board for "School Lunch Ideas" to see all I've been pinning, or check out my board "For Adam To Take To Work" for your older children or kids with a more adult palette! 

       I hope you enjoyed this post! Let me know in the comments below if you did, or share with me your favourite lunch as a kid, and be sure to share any of your lunch packing tips! 
​

   Last year, I shared the story of my miscarriage of what would have been my fourth child, Abraham. You can read about that experience here.

   We lost our little boy on August 30th, 2012. I wanted to write about this and post it on the anniversary (this past Sunday), but opted out. Why? I'm not exactly sure.....

   I feel such a mix of hurt from remembering the loss, and an urge to forget so that I won't feel any hurt. It made me reluctant to write about it again, to bring up any feelings I had. Any feelings at all. Happy or sad, sometimes just feeling about the miscarriage is too much. 

   Here's the thing...I haven't slept a solid night since Sunday. I've had 3 nights of terrible sleeps; waking often, being restless, and thinking about Abraham.   

   One of my favourite musicals "Into The Woods" has a song called "No More" and it makes me cry to listen to it. It's a sad song within the context of the show, but I can't help but hear it with my life written into it. Here are some of the lyrics from that song:

   The part that hits me the most from this song is: 

     If I run away, where am I going? Part of me wanted to (and still wants to) run away from this experience; to pretend it never happened. To not feel any sadness from it, to not let my mind remember it. But where does that leave me? 

  My feelings about the death of my son Abraham (and my daughter, Ezra) get so tangled up with real life that keeps moving on, regardless of what I'm going through.
  
   But, if I move on.....have I left my mis-carried children behind? Is living a happy life without them a betrayal of them? Which is worse: moving on, getting stuck, running away...? I'm not sure....there are no answers. No black and white ones, at least.

   I go in and out of each day, having times when I remember, and times when I forget, and maybe that is normal, and probably the most healthy option? A little of each thing, melded into one. 

   There is a little boy in my church who was born on Abrahams actual due date, and when I see him my heart aches. I said something to 'him' (really his Mom) in passing before his birthday, "someone is having a birthday soon...?", and his Mom said something like, "wow, you have a good memory!". That couldn't be farther from the truth (...I don't even know all my siblings birthdays!), but I do know when my fourth child should have had his birthday. It's the first time I've even really acknowledged this little boy. I've mostly just avoided really looking at him and openly noticing him. So, talking to him about his birthday is a really big step. Maybe not an obvious step to anyone, but for me, it was a leap.

    I am choosing to not run away, I also choose to not dwell and be stuck. God willing, I will get a good nights sleep tonight; hopefully remembering Abraham openly will put my mind at rest. 

     Love you Abraham xo

   My husband and I are going on a trip!

   We leave tomorrow to bring the kids to Brantford, and then we're heading off to Europe with my in-laws, and my husbands grandpa. We'll spend a week in Belgium (where my husbands' family is from), then travel south and have a few days in France, then turn around and go north towards Breda (where my Dad is from), and along the Western coast of the Netherlands making many stops along the way, and ending in Amsterdam for a few days. It'll be a 2 week trip total, which is some ways doesn't seem like it will be long enough, but in other ways, it'll be plenty long! 

   I sat crying with my girls last night, asking them to take good care of their brother who has autism. Caleb has grown, and matured, and developed in so many ways in the last few years. On one hand I feel confident he will be perfectly fine without us....and then on the other hand, he's always had my husband and I to bring him back from the brink; to understand him when no-one else does, to just know what he needs to calm down and restart. I can't write enough notes about "how to deal with Caleb while we're away" to feel like I've covered all my bases because, unfortunately, autism isn't just a simple game of baseball. It might feel like it for a time, then suddenly, just when you're getting the hang of it, it's a new game all together!

    I am anxious about leaving the girls too; they are sweet and sassy, and have their quirks. They are both sensitive (whether or not they always show it), and feel deeply the things that are going on around them (well, sometimes Keziah is oblivious, but once she realizes something is going on, she's attentive and caring!). They are wonderful little dears, and I gave them a big job while talking with them last night: be your brother's helper! 

   They get him, they are "good" with him, but they are also just kids. And siblings on top of being kids, so they egg Caleb on at times, feel hurt and confused by his actions and reactions, and don't know how to see which direction he's heading emotionally, and how to help him out. They've seen Adam and I doing it a million times, but that doesn't mean they know how to do it. That's part of what worries me in going away.

   We've spent the last 11 years getting to know Caleb; we weren't given a manual, just each day hitting us, and we're left making mental notes, using a lot of trial and error, and making our lives as a family as safe as possible. So, even though he's going to be staying with family who loves him, and wants the best for him, it doesn't mean he'll be understood, or treated properly (he'll be treated very well, but that's different than being treated 'properly'). He is equal parts regular 11 year old boy (cheeky, obnoxious, loves rude humour), and autism mystery (rambling phrases from movies, crotch grabbing, mind blindness). I'll say to myself, "he'll really be fine!"...and then in the next thought go, "...but what if he isn't?" Because that is what a lot of our days look like: he's fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.....ka-boom (not fine, fyi)!!.....fine, fine, fine...You get it. With Adam and I, we know how to read him (mostly), and how to help him use his words, make "blue" (good) choices instead of "red" (bad) choices. and how to be a bucket-filler (doing things that help others feel good and happy). So, that job is now on his 5 and 6 year old sisters shoulders....geepers.   

   The other thing about leaving that worries me (and breaks my heart) is wondering when Caleb will realize we're really gone. We've told him we're going away, but he is (currently) so focused on going to visit family in Brantford, I don't think he's really cares or understands!
   I am really happy he loves his family so much that he is looking forward to visiting, but put yourself into his mind for a moment: we've been visiting family before when Adam and I will go out for an evening, then we are always back in the morning. So on this trip, when does Caleb wake up and say, "where the heck are my Mom and Dad?" and will he find the words to ask that out loud, or will he slowly and secretly get more worried and confused by our absence? We'll be calling the kids while we're away obviously, but will it click? I'm not sure. I'm just not sure.

   This particular post has no real purpose except to give me a chance to get my thoughts and worries out...I don't have any real tips or tricks because this is new to me!!! I've only been away from Caleb overnight maybe two or three times in his life (that I can remember-excluding sleep-overs at the cousins when I am still 'technically' around). And every time I returned, he would say, "Mom! You back!" (yes, "you", not "you're"). He always said it like he was genuinely surprised I came back, as though he thought that was it; I'd packed up and left.  
   We have many military families in our church, and I'm thinking about one idea a friend used for her kids when her husband was away: she had a jar full of...uh, something, I can't remember! Haha, anyway, a jar, and in it was the number of days their Dad would be away, in item form. So, I could use a jar with candies (for instance), and each day the kids could take a candy out to visually see the jar getting emptier, and our arrival getting closer. Caleb may understand this visual, or he may just want to eat the candy!...maybe I should use a non-food item...whomp whomp, anyway...a calendar could do a similar job; marking off the days with an "x" until we get home.
     I also thought that using a map to help Caleb (and the girls too) see exactly where we are could be helpful. Maybe every time we call, they can put a sticker onto the spot we're calling from.
    One last idea is to have a family photo for the kids to keep. I feel like if they see a photo of us together, it will reaffirm the fact that we are a family, and we are coming back. 

   My heart goes back and forth between being excited about the trip, to sick thinking about leaving the kids.....bleh.

   Beyond all my fears, I guess, is the hope that this experience will be a good one for Caleb and the girls. That they can learn to rely on each other more, to understand each other more, and for them to practice a level of independence that cannot be offered when they are always with Adam and I.

   It will good, that's what I am telling myself. Everything will be fine, the kids will have a great time, Adam and I will have a great time, and this will be good! This will be good...   
       
       

   We are in to week 2 of the summer holiday here (in Ontario)! Each year for this family brings new obstacles to figure out when planning the holiday.

   Last summer I wrote about "Summer Lovin'", and making the most of a summer holiday. I posted some websites that give some ideas of what to do (lots for free), and also a weekly idea guide (make something Monday, take a trip Tuesday, etc.) Anyway, I wanted to update my summer feelings for this year because it is true that every year in any family, things are different. There are new pets, kids getting older (and being more opinionated!), different weather, new friends, injury, illness, being vehicle-less, having babies who need naps, or poop in the pool (that makes an embarrassing exit to the free Tim Hortons Swim day!), being too hot or too rainy to go anywhere, being too buggy to go anywhere, yadda, yadda, yadda. 
   
   Our summer started with Abigail, our 6 year old, asking multiple (MULTIPLE!!!) times a day "what we were doing today...how about tomorrow? What about the next day? When do we go to the fair? When's the picnic with the theatre people?  Are we going to the splash pad? Can we go to the movies..." Ahhhhh!!! I needed that to stop in a big, bad way!!! So, one night while binge watching "Arrested Development", I looked up some printable calendars, and just printed out July, August & September. I then proceeded to look online at events in our area, check our calendar for what we'd written in there, and sort it all out with my husbands work schedule! 

   I found the calendar here, at Mad About Pink  (I printed it in b&w because that's all I have, but the real colours are so freakin' darling), and started filling things in! 

   What making a visual calendar did for the kids is give them a place to look and see what might be coming up. They actually all really enjoy seeing it, and counting down days to things they're really excited about. Since I made the calendar, I've only heard once from Abby "what are we doing today?", and I told her, "go look at the calendar!". Her response was a "oh yeah!", a big smile, and running to the calendar to look. Hazaa.! Having a visual has helped my kids see that perhaps today nothing is planned...at all...but, tomorrow or the next day is something fun and different to look forward to. 

   
   The way I feel about summer, no matter what stage we are in our lives, is that over-planning ruins it....and so does never planning anything! 

    You know the over-planners; you ask weeks in advance if they'll be available AT ALL during the summer for a get-together, and they aren't! Whomp whomp....to each their own, but for realz, leave a few spare days for spontaneous fun!

   My problem is not wanting to over-plan, and then realizing it's mid-august and we've only done 2 things---seriously, 2 things! Haha, well, I am always searching for balance when raising my family, and making the most of our time, but also leaving time for imagination, free-time, and plain-old kid summertime fun.

   My husband is a planner though, well, not really, but in theory. He wants plans lined up, and expects me to make them! Ok, he doesn't really expect me to do it, but after 11 years of being married, I know what things I can do to make my husband feel loved. And making plans is one of those things! 

   Some of things we planned are:
    ~ Going to Canada Day celebrations (all free)
    ~ Going camping
    ~ Hitting up the Tweed Fair!  
    ~ Going to the drive-in
    ~ Family Movie Night @ Home (we'll borrow a "new to us" movie from the library)
    ~ Planned dates with the kids (going for walks, getting a drink at Tim Horton's or Mac's, going to the park, just one-on-one time with a parent and child)
    ~ Going on picnics (these can happen right in your backyard, btw!)
    ~ Going to the beach

   Get online and see what's up in your community this summer! Splash pads, playgrounds, walking trails; most communities have these. Libraries often have free programs, and, if nothing else, they have air conditioning on those impossibly hot days!  :)  

   If you're stuck at home without a vehicle, or are not within walking distance of ANYTHING (like me!), then just go for a walk and tell the kids to find 5 different types of flowers, or plant a small garden--I know this isn't an immediately rewarding summer activity, but kids really do love planting things, and checking back on them. Another hilarious thing kids love to do is weed gardens! Well, my kids like to do it for some reason....anyway, just set them on the task, being clear about what is a garden plant and what is a weed, I personally quite dislike weeding, so this works out for me! Six Sisters' Stuff has this list of 50 Outdoor activities you can do in the summer with kids. Seriously, the list is full of really great ideas!  
   Here's an idea that'll make all paediatricians scream--have a lazy day! You and the kids wake up in the morning and it's raining? Been spending lots of time outside and doing fun indoor activities? Well, shed the mommy guilt about "wasting summer", and announce a super lazy day! Everyone can stay in their jammies, pick out a few movies, and enjoy the day! Maybe shake up the utter laziness after each movie/show by getting the kids to stand up, and do some jumping jacks, or turn on a great song and have a dance party, then put your next movie on! 

  

   
   So, whether you're a planner or not, be sure to make the time to fit in some special events for your family this summer! "Special" doesn't have to mean big $, or tons of time or effort even, just something different than usual! If you always make your kids eat meals at the table, then a picnic (in or outdoors!) will be a hit! Hate the mess of crafts? Me too! Just bite the bullet, and make one day a disaster of a craft day! Like I said, it's not about how grand the event is, just about making memories.
    I hope everyone has a good summer planned/not planned! Haha....you know what I mean! Have any great ideas for fun days? Please do share! 

   Last year I shared my thoughts and feelings about loosing a child to a miscarriage. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Ezra Faith, on Sunday March 3rd, 2013 at the Belleville General Hospital. 
   
    I wasn't ready last year to give the details about the story. But I will share them today, on the 2 year anniversary of her birth. The facts are clinical, true, and sometimes alarming (I just want you to be warned and prepared). But I feel comfortable enough to put these facts out there, and I want to be able to be a life line to any woman going through a miscarriage and searching the internet for stories about what the experience could be like (like a full-term, live birth, each miscarriage is different) and to find help here, and to know they are not alone. 
 
​    To read about my first miscarriage of my little boy Abraham, look here. Or to read about my version of coping, read this post called Feeling Blue. 

   The pregnancy was not planned (at all). I had suffered a miscarriage a few months earlier, and we weren't thinking we would try again, but knowing I was pregnant again did have a healing effect. Like my body could be trusted a little again.

   The pregnancy went along really normal, with no sign for concern at all. But deep down, I was really struggling to be hopeful. I can read now through some of my journal entries during those early weeks that I was excited, but still feeling nervous about going full-term. We decided to wait (as most people do) until the 12 week mark to tell people, but as the date approached, I changed my mind. We had told people at 12 weeks with the last pregnancy, only to call them/tell them all a few days later the baby had passed away. 

   With each passing week beyond the "magic 12 week mark" we were feeling better about telling people. So, after my mid-wife appointment at 16weeks 5days where we heard the heartbeat still, we slowly started making our announcement. At 20 weeks, we made the announcement at church (which was a big deal to us). We thought, we're halfway through the pregnancy, I'm starting to show a little (I don't show much until I'm nearer to the 30 week mark), so let's do it. There were a few other women pregnant with due dates around mine, so I could talk freely with some of them now about the pregnancy.   

   The 10 days or so leading up to the end are a strange mix of blur, and extreme clarity. On the Wednesday after we had told our church we were pregnant, I had my first dance rehearsal for a production I was working on with our local theatre. But that Wednesday night as I got dressed for the rehearsal, I went back and forth in my mind about if I would tell some of the cast I was expecting. I knew some of them well, but decided to wait until it was really obvious. That moment feels clear to me, and I think it was because the Lord knew I would need a corner of the world where I was still "me"-not pregnant, not grieving, just neutral. This show turned out to be a refuge for me. It gave me dances to work on and choreograph during the week, a goal to have, a task. Going to rehearsals was a God-send; it was the only place people didn't know what was really going on, so I felt free to go to rehearsals and smile, have fun, talk about things besides loss, like in another life I was suffering so much inside, but in that life things were chugging along as usual.

    The next day, on Thursday February 21st, I had a mid-wife appointment and ultrasound booked. I remember my secondary mid-wife was doing my appointment, and I had never met her before. We made our introductions, and then she started asking the usually questions about how I felt, etc. I cut her off and said, "I don't want to be rude, but could we chat after you listen for the babies heart beat?" I told her I was really nervous, and didn't want to chat about a baby I was still feeling un-sure was even there......

    She couldn't find the heart beat......she tried to give me (really sweet) excuses, "maybe the baby is farther back, etc", but I knew. I asked her to go and get my primary mid-wife (who I knew well, and trusted). She came in, with a grim look on her face. I love her. She is strait forward, but still really kind and caring. She checked for a heart beat too, and said something like, "This doesn't look good". 

   Because I was already booked for the 20 week ultrasound after my appointment, she told me to go there, and to call her after. 

   The ultrasound tech is someone I still would punch in the face if I ever saw him again. I went into the room, feeling sick to my stomach, and sat down on the bed. He was looking over my information, and said, "o.k., so this is a scan just to check that the baby is developing normally", and I said, "well, it was supposed to be, but I just came from my mid-wife, and we could find the heart beat, so, this scan is really to check if the baby is still alive". He looked a little annoyed at me for even saying it, but I knew they had rules. The patient is not to know the results of a scan, they are supposed to wait until their healthcare provider calls them with the results. But I wanted to know. I needed to know. He quietly did the scan, making little grunts under his breath, looking disapproving. Then, he suddenly turns the machine away, and tells me we're finished. I've been to ultrasounds before, and they always end with the tech letting you hear the heart beat, looking at the baby, and printing off photos from the scan for you. 

   So, I sat up, and said, "can you tell me?". "Oh no", he replies, "I will pass the info onto your mid-wife, probably in the next day or so, and she'll get in touch with you". I was too mad/shocked/heartbroken at that point to know how to react to his coldness. I walked out of the room, and looked to my left where the waiting room was. My husband turned to look at me, and shrugged, as if to say, "do you know?", and I burst into tears, and ran to the right, and locked myself in the bathroom. 

   When I finally told my husband about the scan, but more about how the tech said he wasn't going to tell me, or pass the into on for a day or two, he pleaded with the receptionist, who did have a heart, and promised to send the results to the mid-wife the minute they were ready. So, we called the mid-wife about an hour after the appointment, and she told us that the scan showed the baby had stopped growing (therefore he heart had stopped beating) around a week earlier.    
​

   Fast forward to Saturday, March 2nd. The day booked for me to go to the hospital to have my labour induced. The time between finding out the baby had passed away and this date was a blur. I wrote this same Psalm in my journal over and over....

 Psalms 6: 1(b)-3, 6 "Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint; oh Lord, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish! How long, oh Lord, how long?". v. 6 "I am worn out from groaning; all night long I flood my bed with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow...."

   That is the most honest way I can describe the time I spent trying to mentally prepare for what was ahead. I wasn't allowed to try to "wait it out" at home as I had with our last miscarriage because I was farther along, and the baby would be bigger, and there was a bigger chance of complications.   

   I arrived at the hospital at noon, and I was brought into the labour and delivery ward. I was told what "the plan" was, and then we settled in for what we thought would be a few terrible hours.

   They gave me the meds for induction (misoprostol) at 2pm, and again at 6pm, and again at 10pm......my body was not ready for this. My mid-wife was very apologetic and alarmed that I hadn't gone into labour yet. She thought (because I had previous pregnancies and deliveries) I would go into labour with the first dose, but it wasn't happening.

   This day that I was dreading was stretching out before me, with nothing good at the end of it. The mental capacity it took me to stay there and not run like a lunatic through the halls, out the doors, and never stop, was just barely in my reach. A really nice nurse gave us the WiFi password for the hospital so we could watch shows online on the iPad we had brought along. It helped to pass the hours, and gave us a mental rest. There are saints working in the Belleville General Hospital. 

   I kept getting doses of meds, hoping it "would take". The OBGYN who was "technically" in charge of my labour and delivery told me to rest, and she would be back at 2am to give me another dose of the meds if I needed it.       

    Lying in our semi-dark maternity ward room, I could hear newborn babies crying down the hall. They had put us as far away as they could, but I could still hear them, and I couldn't stop crying.

   The contractions finally came in waves about midnight. Looking at the clock, I could see they were getting to be 2 minutes apart. I was in a lot of pain. As much pain as any of my other full term labours, and at this point, this ordeal had been almost as long as my longest labour. I went to the bathroom, but after peeing, I felt pressure. I felt down there, and could feel something coming out. So, I pulled the emergency cord, and when the nurse came in, she helped me back to my bed. The OBGYN came back in, and quickly checked my cervix. She said, "I can't feel anything coming down at all?". I told her for sure I not only felt the pressure, but I felt with my own hand something. Because I was being given vaginal misoprostol, when I would go to the bathroom, the pill would often fall out (it is only placed right inside the vagina, to be at  the cervix opening to soften the cervix). So, when I felt that pressure and felt something coming out, the meds also fell out. I saw the pill, and I told the OBGYN, but she felt that if the last contractions were so strong, they would continue on their own. So, we waited 30 minutes (until 2am), and nothing happened, so, she gave me another dose, and we waited some more. 

   Another hour.....and nothing was happening. She told me to rest again, and left the room. At about 5 am, I felt the contractions again, but they were suddenly intense, horribly painful, and extremely close together. The OBGYN, some nurses, and my mid-wife all came in, I wasn't going to let this stop this time. I was tired of waiting, tired of wondering, tired of being the in hospital for what was supposed to be a quick induction and labour. 15 hours had gone by, I wanted to be finished.

   Very suddenly I said I needed to push, and in one push I was finished. 

    My baby was still in the sack, so they broke it open, and told me she was a girl. They wrapped her in the same white/blue/pink blanket they wrap all newborns in, and gave her to me to hold. She was tiny, but perfect. She weighed so little (5.7 oz) but I could feel the weight of her in my arms. I still can.....

   My husband and I sat crying for a long time. Eventually, we cleaned her up, and wrapped her back up, and placed her into her coffin. We packed up our things and headed home with our daughter. 

   It is a dark and hollow feeling going home from a labour and delivery, and bringing home a beautiful white casket, and no baby to care for. My husband and I went to sleep for a few hours, and then I just needed to get up. I wanted photos of my daughter. I had a foot print from our son we had lost, but was unsure about pictures. But, leading up to going into the hospital with this miscarriage, I had read every blog and forum about miscarriage, and a lot of women regretted not having some photo or another (and I felt that regret from our last baby lost). So, I got up, and took some foot and hand prints, as well as photos of her feet and hands. I decided against a photo of her face because (the morbid & natural) truth was that she was in ‘poor condition’. Because she had passed away at least 10 days previous, she had begun to deteriorate. So, I got what I felt I would want (whether I looked at it in a day, a week, or if I wasn’t ready again in 10 years to see the photos), I now knew I had them.    
​ 

    We held a service for her at our house on March 15th, and it was terrible, and wonderful. The support from those who came was enormous, but the event was one I dreaded. I didn’t hardly sleep leading up to it. We planned on burying her before everyone got to the service as we felt it would be too emotional for us to do in front of others, and also possibly awkward for those coming as this whole situation was different than a usual "funeral". Our pastor was  there and he said a few words, and I said a few words too.
   
   We choose the gerbera daisy as Ezra's flower, and handed one out to each person who came to the service as a remembrance. 
​

  All of the post-partum stuff came to me, as it would have if I had delivered a full term baby. My milk came in 3 days after having her, and that was heart breaking. Then, to add more complication to it, after my regular post-partum bleeding was finished, (after about 3 weeks), suddenly a week later I started bleeding again, but violently, and unstoppably. I had to go in for 2 more inter-vaginal ultrasounds, one to confirm that I had pieces of placenta attached to my uterus, which was causing the bleeding, and the second a week later to confirm it was all out. I opted out of a scraping of the uterus and promised to let my mid-wife know if I felt too ill, and told her I would ride it out. This bleeding stopped on April 7th. I got the news I miscarried on February 21st. 46 long, terrible, unbearable days later, and it was finally all over. 

    The following Sunday I went back to church for the first time since we had made the announcement we were pregnant back in February. I felt so overwhelmed with emotions of being there, seeing those same pregnant ladies who were still pregnant. Most of them who told people they were pregnant when they were 4, 5, 6 weeks pregnant. I waited until I was 19 weeks pregnant….half way through the pregnancy! I felt so much anger, sadness, hatred. But, I also felt a love, knowing a lot of people in this “family” had made me meals, given us money for groceries (which my friends would buy, and bring out to me), given us flowers and cards, but mostly their prayers.   

   I purchased a beautiful photo box from the craft store Michael's, and put the things into it that I wanted as a remembrance of Ezra. My positive pregnancy test, then cards and notes from friends and family after the loss. The hospital bracelets, little knitted cap, and blanket they had wrapped her in. Her hand and foot prints are in this box, as well as a "Mary's Bear" we purchased for her, because all of my other kids have one. 

​   Here I am, 2 years later, and I still struggle with knowing the balance between remembering and forgetting. Is there even a balance? 

   I don't "ooh & ahh" over new babies, but I have at least gotten close to them. This is mostly because I have 5 and 6 year old girls who want to see every baby they encounter! If that's the method God is going to use to get me to stand within a 10 foot radius of a new baby, then o.k. I don't feel excited over a new pregnancy announcement; I mostly feel nervousness mixed with irritation that someone else is pregnant. But I feel this less now than I did 2 years ago, so I can be hopeful that one day I may have genuine happiness for other pregnant woman and woman with newborns.

   I miss the little girl who I never really knew, but I had her worked into my life already. I was already planning my sons summer birthday around her (actual) due date. I wondered how we could re-arrange the kids in their rooms based on if we had a baby girl or baby boy. I was happy and prepared to have her at home with me when all three of my kids went off to school this year. But I am alone at home. 

   I think about Ezra literally every day. I sometimes imagine her here with us and what she might have been like. I sometimes imagine her in heaven, looking sweet and beautiful and happy. 

   I feel pain so deep knowing that she is being forgotten by everyone except myself. I know others think of her, though not every day, and not with the pain I feel. I am the only one who knew her, who felt her. I don't blame anyone for forgetting; each person has their own life. I don't remember/know the birthdays of some of my own siblings, or the exact day one dear friend of mine passed away. I know he passed away in the month of June, but the exact day? I'm not sure I've ever remembered it. So thinking someone should remember the passing of a baby they never knew or met is unreasonable. This is important to remember because if I decided to  be angry with anyone who didn't pay tribute to Ezra's honour I would be forever unhappy and would push others away from me. This attitude is not one that will bring healing, but more loneliness and grief.

   I pray that my feelings, my thoughts, the story I share can be an encouragement and help to others. I hurt deeply thinking about this loss, but I can say that time does heal. But, you have to let it. Time spent lying in bed, grieving endlessly, thinking of nothing else but the loss is not time spent healing. We heal by equal parts grief, sharing, giving of ourselves, and working towards goals. Don't be afraid to feel happy, it doesn't mean you have stopped loving the baby you lost, it just means you can still love life without that baby. And that is allowed. You can cry, look at ultrasound scans, and remember the feeling of a baby growing inside of you. But you also need to laugh, look at real life happening around you, and feel what you still have inside of you to give to others. 

   Today I remember Ezra Faith and the loss, but I remember most what she's done for me. She taught me to feel deeply, she reminded me to be real, to be present. To know that God has each day planned for us, from birth until death, and we can't stop it. The grief and fear that get tangled together in the middle of the storm can seem overwhelming, but it will settle.....eventually. I remember the love of friends and family who reached out to us and cared for us during the storm, and how they were a beacon of light.

   I remember the weight of her in my arms, the tears I cried from deep inside of me while I held her in that hospital room.
   
   I am thankful for Ezra Faith and every moment I got to spend with her. And I look forward to holding her again someday.   

​

   Yes, yes I know this is dreadfully late to be posting a "new year" blog, but it's still January, so it's no too bad! 
   I read a post by a wonderful, beautiful lady about having a new years revolution, instead of just a resolution. Read that post here. :) 
   I've been thinking the same things lately; thinking about what people say about me when I'm not around. I want to think they have only good things to say, but that just shows my flawed heart and how selfish I really am (therefore giving people more negative things to say!). Round and round we go.
   So, this year, this new year, I want to be more intentional. What that means exactly, I won't know until the situation is looking me in the face. But, as a starting point, I want to intentionally encourage others around me. Make a point to compliment, build up, and say a kind word to someone else. Not falsely, but out of a heart that wants to makes others feel valued and loved.     

   I also want to clean up my life. No, not any bad habits (I quite like the ones I've got! Hehe...), but my actual surroundings! We've accumulated a lot (A LOT!) of stuff it seems in the last year. My basement is a cave of scary stacks of bins, bags, boxes, fans, lamps, canvases, deep freezers, etc., etc., etc! Why? Why?!?! I know why-out of sight, out of mind! 
   Well, my plan for 2015 is to get rid of 2,015 things! Literally, I will be keeping count! I only mentioned my scary basement, but I also have some scary closets, laundry room/dog room/animal feed storage room (imagine that disaster!), and our toy situation is out. Of. Control!!! So, I plan on chipping away at our life of material goods, and getting back to the basics. I will keep you posted (as well as keeping count) of where I am in my 2,015 things! 

   The last thing I want to learn this year is how to love myself. Yikes. That made me feel jumpy just typing it out.
   I'm not talking about loosing a certain amount of weight, or getting a six pack, I'm just talking about loving myself no matter what I look like. Some people honestly and naturally have a love of their bodies and how they look. I have personally never been that way. I can remember maybe once in my life thinking, "alright, I think I look o.k?", and that was as close as I got to approving of myself. 
   Whatever the reason, be it media, upbringing, chemical imbalances, I don't know, but I have always been poking at and disliking how I looked. My sister showed me this woman's story, and I am deciding (though not even close to being "there" yet) to have a body image revolution. 
   I want to learn to love myself no matter what. Does this mean I am going to start eating whatever I want, stop exercising, not get enough sleep, and let myself go and just say, "this is me, and I love it!?"  No, that's not it at all. Being healthy is the goal; healthy in mind and body. Eating crap-food all day won't give me a long and healthy life! 
   Taryn, the woman who started this body image revolution said (and it's right on the home page of her website), "my body is not an ornament, it is a vehicle to my dreams". How beautiful, how profound. 
   I want to see myself as the beautiful woman God made me to be, not the me who has been insulted, rejected, weight-obsessed, food possessed, and so hard on myself that I was not enjoying life.  
   It's hard to find out where this starts and stops though, but I will figure it out. What I mean is, I will still brush my hair, and my teeth. I will clean my face and use moisturizer. I will eat well and work out. Self-love does not mean not giving a care about anything body image related (at least that's how I feel about it!). I will dress nicely because I like to "look good" when I go somewhere. "Looking good" can mean different things to different people, but that's just the point, I want to dress to look good for me and who I want to express. 
   For instance, I wear a super large, red and cream coloured knitted "coat" (really, it's just a huuuuge sweater), and I think it's great. My husband said, "that is the ugliest thing I have ever seen!", but I wear it anyway because it feels like me!
   Anyway, I am rambling a bit, and I will probably be sharing more about this here and there in the future, but for now I shall let it rest!   

   So, being more intentional, minimizing our "stuff", and learning to love myself! Next to each other they are 3 really big new year things!!! But here's the thing-I've got time! I've got today, haven't I?
   It seems daunting, but I refuse to be discouraged and give up. It's not some rules someone else has given me and I must live up to them. It's for the better, for my better and the better of my family. The goals don't start January 1st and end December 31st, and if I haven't accomplished all I wanted then I failed! If I've tried, I've succeeded! If I keep trying I'm a super-star!!! :)  
   Whatever your goals, dreams or hopes for this new year, set the wheels in motion! Take one day at a time, and do your best. If you fail, no worries. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start again! 
   When I was learning to ride a horse I was taught that if a horse bucks you off,  no matter what (well, unless something is broken!) get right back on! Why? Because if you don't you might never get back on! Your fear will set in, and you'll talk yourself out of it. The other reason to get back on is to say to the horse, "you can act like an idiot, but I will keep on riding!". 
  Both reasons to get back on taught me something about fear and controlling what makes you fearful. Fear is just an excuse to not try, but I say try! Try, fall off, get back up and try again! Tell yourself, "I am not afraid of my goals!", and tell your daunting, bucking goals, "you may be big, but I will get back on and keep trying!".

   Happy New Year!