Remembering & Forgetting: Abraham

   Last year, I shared the story of my miscarriage of what would have been my fourth child, Abraham. You can read about that experience here.

   We lost our little boy on August 30th, 2012. I wanted to write about this and post it on the anniversary (this past Sunday), but opted out. Why? I'm not exactly sure.....

   I feel such a mix of hurt from remembering the loss, and an urge to forget so that I won't feel any hurt. It made me reluctant to write about it again, to bring up any feelings I had. Any feelings at all. Happy or sad, sometimes just feeling about the miscarriage is too much. 

   Here's the thing...I haven't slept a solid night since Sunday. I've had 3 nights of terrible sleeps; waking often, being restless, and thinking about Abraham.   

The charm from a necklace my sister gave me when I had my miscarriage. The feet in the charm are the exact size of Abrahams little feet.

   One of my favourite musicals "Into The Woods" has a song called "No More" and it makes me cry to listen to it. It's a sad song within the context of the show, but I can't help but hear it with my life written into it. Here are some of the lyrics from that song:

No more feelings.
Time to shut the door.
Just......no more....

Running away- let's do it,
Free from the ties that bind.
No more despair
Or burdens to bear
Out there in the yonder...

Running away- go to it.
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care:
Unless there's a "where"
You'll only be wandering blind.
Just more questions.....
Different kind.

Where are we to go?
Where are we ever to go?

Running away- we'll do it.
Why sit around, resigned?
Trouble is, son,
The farther you run,
The more you feel undefined
For what you've left undone.....
And, more, what you've left behind.

   The part that hits me the most from this song is: 

Running away- go to it.
Where did you have in mind?
Have to take care:
Unless there's a "where"
You'll only be wandering blind.
Just more questions.....
Different kind.

     If I run away, where am I going? Part of me wanted to (and still wants to) run away from this experience; to pretend it never happened. To not feel any sadness from it, to not let my mind remember it. But where does that leave me? 

  My feelings about the death of my son Abraham (and my daughter, Ezra) get so tangled up with real life that keeps moving on, regardless of what I'm going through.
  
   But, if I move on.....have I left my mis-carried children behind? Is living a happy life without them a betrayal of them? Which is worse: moving on, getting stuck, running away...? I'm not sure....there are no answers. No black and white ones, at least.

   I go in and out of each day, having times when I remember, and times when I forget, and maybe that is normal, and probably the most healthy option? A little of each thing, melded into one. 

   There is a little boy in my church who was born on Abrahams actual due date, and when I see him my heart aches. I said something to 'him' (really his Mom) in passing before his birthday, "someone is having a birthday soon...?", and his Mom said something like, "wow, you have a good memory!". That couldn't be farther from the truth (...I don't even know all my siblings birthdays!), but I do know when my fourth child should have had his birthday. It's the first time I've even really acknowledged this little boy. I've mostly just avoided really looking at him and openly noticing him. So, talking to him about his birthday is a really big step. Maybe not an obvious step to anyone, but for me, it was a leap.

    I am choosing to not run away, I also choose to not dwell and be stuck. God willing, I will get a good nights sleep tonight; hopefully remembering Abraham openly will put my mind at rest. 

     Love you Abraham xo