Looking Back & Looking Forward

   Am I the only one who can go through life without consciously letting things impact me? I am being serious....Sometimes I feel so disconnected and cold because I know a season has gone by, and I just let it come and go without stopping to see it or feel it. 
   Maybe some of the things I forget though are things I didn't realize I should be remembering, if that makes sense? 
   I went away this weekend, and had an experience that made me stop and say, "what am I tucking away in my memory, what am I learning right now, who am I in this present moment before this present is my past?". All of these questions and thoughts came to me because I went to an alumni reunion at the Circle Square Ranch in Brantford. 
   Back in 1996 and 1997 I started going with one of my sisters to the Ranch; I wasn't on staff, but I would go and help out. Then, in 1999 I started my first year as a staff member. I worked there in the summers and off seasons until 2006, at which point my husband, our young son Caleb and I went to a Circle Square in Kirkland Lake, then the following summer we moved to Bancroft.
   At this reunion, even though I didn't see all the people I had hoped to, I did see a lot of people who have been a big part of my life-I just didn't realize it until I saw them again.
   Seeing how much time has passed, and how old I am now compared to then could have made me depressed, but it really just made me feel happy about my life.
   In my current role as a stay-at-home Mom, life revolves around my home. Fixing ouchies, jumping on the trampoline, reading stories, saying prayers, making meals & lunches, doing laundry, tidying, cleaning, getting projects done, it is an amazing job, but also one that can make you forget you ever did anything else before it! 
   So, taking a trip to a place where I spent almost ⅓ of my life really hit me. I honestly had to stop myself from crying a few times. Not because I was sad at all, but because I was feeling so overwhelmed with looking back. I felt so very humbled knowing how many kids had come through the camp, had come to know Jesus, seeing current staff members that had been campers "back in my day", and feeling so much purpose from the role I got to play in all of it. 
   I had a few opportunities to talk to staff from my years at the ranch, but also to talk to some of my old (horseback) riding students, who had become staff later on, and the stories they remembered about me as their teacher were overwhelming (and a little scary!). But as we drove away from Brantford, I said to my husband, "I don't want to live life thinking nothing....I want to remember right now, I want to cherish right now". 
   There is a fine balance between looking back, and looking forward. 
   I need to be able to see ahead, to make plans, to prepare, to have dreams about what is to come. But, I also need to stop, and see where I am right now, and take a "mental picture", and tuck it away in my heart. Then I also need to be able to see where I've come from, what has shaped me and impacted me, and see how who I was then, and who I knew, and what I did (or didn't do), shaped me for today. 
   Those years at the ranch seemed long (and hot and dusty!). I don't remember ever thinking, "oh man, I just need to get out of here!", but I also don't remember making any connections, purposely tucking lessons or people or experiences away in my heart. 
   I want to do that now; I got a glimpse into my past this weekend, and it held a lot of treasures. I just wish I had seen a lot of these treasures then. Treasures aren't always things that are good at that time, but they are lessons, life shapers, character builders.
   So today, wherever you are, whatever kind of life you currently have, take stock of your treasures. Learn lessons well, cherish the people who are in your life right now. Sometimes things are so hard, but just know there are seasons, and it will pass. What will you learn from it?
   Looking back can give you a view of the road you've travelled, and humble you. Taking stock of today can help you smile more, perhaps cry more, maybe give a few more hugs, say a few more honest things. Know that this day will someday be your past and your legacy, that is being left behind you. Then look ahead, knowing things will be different, a new part of your life be be in motion, the people, places and things behind you have shaped you, and prepared you for the road you are about to travel.  

A younger me at Circle Square Ranch, Fall 2002