Feeling Blue

   Truth be told, this is an odd post. 

   I kept thinking about it, and wondering why I would want to do this post. I feel the answer came to me last night, and it was simply, because I need to process.

Brand new puppies.

   
   On June 7th, our lovely purebred lab gave birth to 8 puppies. One was a stillborn, and she also had another stillborn almost 24 hours later. So, 9 pups in total, but 7 for us to have for now. I was surprised at how well our lab was doing with everything. I know there is some instinct stuff that kicks in, but still, I was impressed. 
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How could you not love these puppies?

   So, where this story is a little odd is in how much I loved these puppies. I generally am not a big puppy lover, but I loved these pups. 

    A part of my life leading up to our dog having puppies was the fact that I had 2 late term miscarriages. I will speak about this more at a later time, but for now let me just say that I was in a very dark place, and was not coping well, and these puppies became my babies. These pups were born just a few weeks before what was to be my due-date for the second baby I lost. So, I sat and cried with our lab when she had the stillborns, and pet her, and was her telling her how good of a job she had done with the whole process. I was her mid-wife. I was using her and her puppies to make me feel better.
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Blue at 5 weeks old

    Herein lies the mystery to why we ended up keeping one dog named Blue. Blue is not the smartest, but he is so smart. He is not the cutest, but he is really cute. I fell in love with Blue, and as each puppy was sold, I would cry, and actually miss that one puppy who had left, but I was also feeling a little happy that no-one had chosen Blue. Out of all the puppies, Blue had become the one that I really loved, as my surrogate baby. 

     Fast forward a few months, and Blue is every bit a puppy, is so wonderful with the  kids, and is so anxious to please. But I have been trying to deal with life, and suddenly see Blue for what he is, and not what I wanted him to be. He can make me so angry with the puppy things he does like ruining my slippers, and jumping onto our fake-leather couch and putting claw marks into it (aka-holes that my children will now pick away until the couch is ruined). But, he is just a puppy, after all.      

Blue and the girls

   
​    He won't be my little son and daughter that I lost. He could be a part of the family, but not the way I needed him to be. It all sounds selfish now, and a lot more crazy, but I warned you this post was odd. 

    On Sunday a family is coming to take Blue, and make him part of their family, as a dog. I am honestly really happy for Blue, and for this family because he is really such a sweet puppy. But I am still struggling with the idea that I mothered, and loved on this puppy to fill a hole in me, and now I am sending him away. It genuinely feels like I am sending my child away.     

Little boy Blue

   
​   As I write this, I can't quite pin-point how I am feeling. I feel like letting Blue go is like telling myself it is o.k. to let go, and move on. Will I forget my 2 children that I don't get to kiss, and hold? Definitely not. Will I ever forget Blue? Never. But can I think of them all being happy, and better off where they are? For sure. I am moving on. A new life for Blue, and for me.