Ezra Faith: Purpose

   ​  Today is a hard day for me. It's the day that marks the birth of my 5th child, a daughter, who I miscarried and who we named Ezra Faith. 

      I felt unsure where to start writing on this anniversary. I'd been starting and stopping, but not really being able to wrangle in any thoughts. 

     So, I decided to go to Kate Motaung's website to see what the theme was for this weeks "Five Minute Friday" and let myself write for a few minutes without any pressure or expectations. 
    
     The prompt for this week was "purpose", and so I set my timer for 5 minutes, and wrote:

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Purpose takes on so many forms….and changes so often, it’s hard to know if you are living with your full purpose.
 
Today I stop to think about my baby Ezra, who I miscarried and delivered in hospital at 20 weeks gestation. Back then, 4 years ago, I thought I was on a path to become the Mom to a young baby again, but things changed. And suddenly, so did my purpose.
 
I had to wade through grief and sorrow, while still managing to care for my family. My purpose felt hazy and uncertain, and I wasn’t sure if I really ever knew what my purpose was. 
 
But, I’ve had time on my side now. Four years have passed since this very day when I was in the hospital, holding my tiny, beautiful baby girl. Kissing her and telling her I loved her.
 
And this time has shown me that purpose comes from passion, passion is the fruit of soul searching, and soul searching comes through adversity.
 

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     I hardly wrote anything. When the timer went off I felt like the 5 minutes had been sucked into a vacuum. I sat back and re-read what I'd written, and my last paragraph jumped out at me like I hadn't just written it minutes earlier. 

      "Purpose comes from passion, passion is the fruit of soul searching, and soul searching comes through adversity" 

     She was my second miscarriage, the first  miscarriage occurring just 8 months earlier. I was half way through this pregnancy at 20 weeks, and so I felt "safe". I was sure we would soon be welcoming a new baby into our family.  When I close my eyes and remember the deep, dark sadness in my heart while my husband and I sat together in my hospital bed, holding our tiny baby girl, I cry. Ezra Faith was perfect. 

      My adversity brought me to look deep into my life and heart, and that soul searching gave me a passion, and that passion brought me to purpose. I feel my purpose in my family, as a wife and Mom. I can love, and teach, and guide, and be real and open and learn and grow with my husband and 3 beautiful, crazy and wonderful children. That fills me up everyday! 

     I can't say for sure who I'd be today if I hadn't lost Ezra. And that's not my story anyway. My story has her knit into my womb, and gone before I ever got to know her. But the mark she's left changed me forever, and for the better. Part of my life and purpose is her, and who I became because of her. 

 
​xoxo

  

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 To read  more about my experiences with the miscarriage of Ezra, you can read the stories at "Ezra Faith",  "Ezra Faith: Two Years Gone", and Ezra Faith: Three Years Gone
    You can also read about the son we lost, at "Abraham", and also at "Remembering & Forgetting: Abraham". and Moving Forward: Abraham
    There is also a story about coping at "Feeling Blue"      

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