Autism & Tradition

   Those who are even a little familiar with autism know that routine, routine, and more routine keep life as stress-free as possible. It helps a person with autism feel some order in their world that can feel chaotic.
   But beyond routine, what can help a child, with autism or not, feel secure and safe?
   I believe the answer lies in traditions.
   A tradition is something you do over and over, either daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, etc. you get it. It is habit, ritual, it sounds like autism, really! But why is it different? Why is tradition important for a child with autism, and for a family in general? 

   Growing up, our family had many, many traditions that I carry today with my own family.
   Sunday morning pancakes (o.k, we do Saturday, I'm not quite as amazing as my Dad!), singing prayers at the dinner table, Easter morning getting new socks, underwear and a skipping rope or bubbles at your place at the table....and chocolate too, of course! Another important family tradition was going to the Rockton World's Fair on Thanksgiving weekend! This is a tradition I could never abandon! 
   Caleb is now 10 years old, and has been going to the fair his whole life! He looks forward to the fair for WEEKS in advance! As soon as the calendar moves to October, he is non-stop fair talking. He loves the barn with the birds and rabbits in it, and literally shrieks and squeals when the ducks start a "conversation" (if one starts quacking, they all start quacking!), or when a rooster crows, and he'll say (super loud), "Hey rooster! It is not the sun coming up!". 
   He loves the arts and crafts buildings, especially the walnut shells-turned-characatures. These things are kinda weird, but they've been at the fair for as long as I can remember! And he loves all the pumpkins! The big, the small, ALL of them! 
   I think what Caleb loves the most is the demolition derby in the evening. This year he was amazing; cheering, clapping & laughing, but still staying calm. This is where the demo-derby differs from previous years.  

The "best dressed" contest before the derby. Caleb was thrilled that Thomas (181) won. :)

   In years past, Caleb will be cheering, then yelling/cheering, then yelling at the drivers saying (with very big hand gestures), "You are not to be crashing, you are very danger!!!", or "where is the Chevy Cavalier?!?" (he always wants one in the derby) and he would slowly get more and more upset until he was crying, and would shut down, then we would pack up and leave.
   Caleb has had serious meltdowns at the fair, it seems obvious that he would be overwhelmed, but we kept going back every year, hoping it would be better. This past weekend at the fair, we were in one of the buildings that has enormous lollipops in it, and I said to my husband, "remember that time when Caleb ran away, and we chased after him, and we found him grabbing one of those lollipops and ripping off the plastic wrap....so then we had to buy the $13 sugar and food colouring on a stick?" 
   Caleb was probably 3 or so then, and we mostly just kept him strapped into a stroller to avoid having him run away. A few years ago, when he was too big for a stroller, he disappeared. This occasion was particularly annoying because there was my husband and I, and 2 other adults with us, and we all thought someone else was keeping their eye on him. We got the police that are always at a fair to help us track him down. He had only gone maybe 50 feet from us, but he had sat himself at a picnic table with a group of complete strangers, so he was blending in. The people at the table thought he was pulling a prank because he just walked over, sat down, didn't say anything, and ignored them when they talked to him. Classic autism symptoms can be sort of funny, I guess!    

   So, with all the grief from years past, why did we keep going? Because creating family traditions helps kids to connect generations, and to feel a sense of identity. It helps to strengthen family bonds, it offers security and comfort, creates a solid sense of time, and it teaches values.     
   My kids know that I went to the fair throughout my entire childhood, and I hope when they are older with their kids at the fair, they will say, "Oma {me!| went to this fair her whole life" (and they'll hopefully point out where I grew up, likeI show the kids every year). This connection to the fair and myself will give my kids a sense of heritage, and of identity. We feel the need to connect ourselves to the world; it's so large and we want to feel grounded, and tradition does that for us. 
   Family bonds are formed and strengthened through tradition and those bonds create a sense of comfort and security. When a child knows that something is coming, something that they have experienced on a regular basis, it helps them to feel something constant. Our busy lives of this century don't foster sameness. It fosters fast-paced, ever changing feelings, trends and ideas. This idea of traditions as comfort and security can be easily seen when life has sudden changes in it; a move, a death, etc. Being able to continue something that happens regularly (even something as simple as reading at bedtime), can offer calm to the storm.
   Sensing time is crucial for kids. Knowing that going to the fair means the fall reminds my Abigail that her birthday is coming. Christmas time reminds Keziah her birthday is coming, and Canada Day celebrations send Caleb into birthday happiness, knowing his party is in the summer. The kids smelling pancakes in the morning remind them that it's Saturday, and there's no school! Time can feel abstract to a child, and traditions nail the idea down for them.
   Lastly, traditions teach values. The value of education by reading at bedtime, for example. Or of the value of relationship with God  by praying at meals and bedtime. And most importantly, they teach the significance of family values like spending time together and getting to know each other through activities like regular family dinners, weekly walks or bike rides, or after-church lunch at Swiss Chalet! 
   All of these things make tradition so important, and if they are important for a neuro-typical child, they are equally as important for a child with autism. 

Literally jumping for joy after a ride on the scrambler! Caleb was maybe 6 years old here.

   If we had thrown in the towel regarding the fair because Caleb had so many difficult years there, we would have robbed him of the joy he now feels knowing it is coming. Somewhere in the grief of his meltdowns, running away, and making us buy expensive lollipops, Caleb was building an idea, and catching a glimpse of what could be fun at the fair, what could be memorable. I know he felt some safety in the tradition, even if it was mixed with anxiety for some of his years. 
   I feel badly for families who shut themselves out from the world because of their child's behaviours associated with autism. Am I saying, "just get over it!". Gosh no, I can't say that. But what I am saying is to create traditions, regardless of the behaviour. If you have a family where your child with autism came later in line than the first born, and you had traditions in place before they came along, continue in those traditions! For the sake of your other children, but also for the sake of that child with autism. I really believe tradition, despite bad behaviours, can help a child with autism feel like they are a part of a functioning family. I think that children with autism anywhere on the spectrum have a sense of the chaos they cause. And I, trying to think empathatically, know that I would rather feel like life is still happening around my meltdowns, instead of feeling like life had to stop.    

Being a weirdo with Uncle Steve at the derby last year

   Creating family traditions doesn't need to be complex, and you don't need a million of them either. 
   Think daily traditions like kissing your kids first thing in the morning, or weekly traditions like a Saturday morning walk, pancakes, a trip to the library, or for kids going to school, a Monday lunch note! 
   You can have birthday traditions, like telling your child about the day they were born, or serving cupcakes for breakfast!
    Yearly or holiday traditions could be going to a fair, going to an apple orchard in the fall, reading "The Night Before Christmas" on Christmas Eve, or having a first day of summer party. 
   Think back on your life, and see the traditions that you had as a child, and what you have carried into life now. Remember how important they are, and if you don't have any, work them into your life! 
   I know this post was more about traditions than autism, but watching Caleb this year at the fair was so rewarding. We saw, for the first time, the fruit of the tradition of going to the Rockton Fair. We enjoyed ourselves as a family. We laughed, ate treats, and rode the ferris wheel at 10 o'clock at night when all the fair lights look so beautiful. Last year Caleb had a meltdown because he wanted to ride in a very specific ferris wheel car (it's not a car, but I can't think what the name would be?!). This year, he didn't even mention it! He just happily jumped into the one he was sent to. He was so happy at the derby, and enjoyed the time with all the cousins and aunts and uncles we meet up with there. 
   I am thankful I loved the tradition of going to the fair too much to give up on it because of the things Caleb would do when we got there. I know I love going to the fair, but I can see how much more Caleb and my kids love going to it. It is a tradition I hope continues long after I'm gone, and one Caleb continues to enjoy his whole life!