Autism & Siblings

   I think it's normal when you have more than one child to hope that your kids will be friends at some point in their lives. As young siblings things like bickering, crying, and being mean to each other are (I think) sort of just normal things kids work through. But siblings also teach a child how to make friends; how to share, listen to others, help if they're crying, just generally think of someone besides themselves.     

Me and some of my sisters doing "The Andrew Sisters" at our family reunion a few years ago. I have NO PERMISSION to use this photo and embarrass my siblings, but that's too bad, this is my blog, and I'll embarrass whoever I want! :)

   So when the eldest child in the family has autism it makes for a strange dynamic. Where usually the second and subsequent children would be learning from the eldest, that's not always the case when the older sibling has autism. They may only be learning that tantrums have to be big to mean anything (they see autism sized meltdowns and figure that's the standard!), they don't hear any (or much) language, and so can often be delayed themselves, and picky habits caused by autism oversensitivity can become issues for all your children (even if you feel pretty sure it's not bothering all of them, they just all see their older sibling making a fuss).   

   When we had babies after Caleb, he liked to hold them, and sit close to them, and poke their eyes (what kid doesn't do that!?), but it was less affectionate, and more like observing this new tiny person in the house. Like getting a puppy, Caleb was fascinated by his little sisters being just like big people, only small! He also enjoyed that they got to play while lying down on the floor, and would lay down with them and take their toys! 

Caleb squishing baby Abigail's nose. He always thinks (and says) "babies nose are squishy and ugly".

   Sometimes the siblings of a child with autism get ignored because the child with special needs requires more attention and care. So, the "normal" children can often grow up feeling less important. We were worried when we had more kids after Caleb, but now I can't imagine our lives, and Caleb's life, without the girls. But there are also stories of children with autism really hurting their siblings (unknowingly), and families having to make hard decisions about how to keep their other children safe. So, it can be a tricky road to travel.

Caleb spending floor time with the girls

   Something has been happening at our house lately though. Caleb is now 9, and is "coming into his own", as it were. He is learning to control his outbursts, learning to share and be kind, and learning (from us brain washing him!) that his sisters are his best friends. The girls are now 5 and 4 years old, and they look up to Caleb as much as ever. I know they don't understand why he is different, but we have talked to them about it. But, in some ways, kids don't care if someone (especially a sibling) is different. They just see someone older, and older is more cool, after all (well, when you're 4 and 5). 

Caleb and Abby waiting for the bus on the first day of school. Caleb was very excited that Abby was coming along.

   I heard a story from someone at school that one day during recess, Abby (the 5 year old) sat at the edge of the soccer field to watch Caleb play soccer. No-one asked her to, she could have been playing on the playground, or with her friends, but she wanted to watch Caleb. And more recently she came home and told us that she was being picked on about being so small (she's got her own medical issues), and she told me, "first I sat on the bench and cried, then I wanted to find Caleb". I literally just started crying. I was sad she felt mis-treated, but more happy that she viewed Caleb as a safe place. 
   Caleb (as you may know) has a hard-core obsession with Buzz Lightyear lately. He literally prattles on all day about, "Buzz Lightyear's utility belt, Buzz Lightyear's karate chop action, Buzz Lightyear's laser....". I (quite honestly) block him out a lot of the time (it's self preservation!). I have learned that if I say, "That's amazing!!!", he's happy, and will go harass someone else with his Buzz facts.
   The other day I am coming upstairs and hear Caleb in the girls room talking about Buzz Lightyear facts, and peek in to see if he is alone. But Keziah (4 year old) is listing to him so patiently. When he finally stops to take a breath, sweet Keziah says, "Yup...and he's green, and blue, and red....like a rainbow!". Caleb looked right at Keziah with a twinkle in his eye, some sort of excitement that his sister had thought of something else he could talk about! He rarely directly interacts with the girls with language (his interactions with them are generally just at meals, and doing games or puzzles, reading at night, or watching t.v. {and singing along|)-all of which he can get away with no real "conversation". So, to see what their version of a conversation was just melted my heart. A very simple interaction, but Keziah took Caleb going on and on as him wanting to talk with her and hang out. So she responded, and he reacted (very positively!)

The kids sitting on a camel at the Peterborough Zoo.

   Siblings can feel shut-off from their brother or sister with autism. After-all, autism is "mind-blindness", meaning they literally can't understand that you think or feel differently from them. Being a sibling, and a friend, requires understanding that different people feel different ways. We still have many struggles with Caleb, but I honestly believe that he would not be where he is today without his younger sisters helping him in their way. When they used to cry because his meltdowns would be so loud and alarming, once he had "come down" from the fit, he would cry and say, "Caleb is really scared the girls". He knew it was too much, he could't seem to stop  the fit, but he was aware (because he is empathetic) that he was upsetting his "best friends". 
   He is learning that love can look like a lot of different things, and can mean putting yourself out of your usual comfort zone. Abby insists on holding Caleb's hand when they cross the road to get on the bus. He usually won't hold hands at all! 
   Keziah always covers hear ears and says, "Caleb you're too loud!!!" (she usually says it very loud herself!), but he will take it down a notch to be kind. 
   We were worried that we wouldn't be able to handle Caleb, and any other children, but those girls, his wonderful sisters, have become some of his best teachers, and his best friends.