Today I am going to share an interview I recently did with Caleb, my son who has autism.
I feel like I should have been interviewing Caleb every 2 weeks for the last few months because he has been growing and changing A LOT!!!! I can't even grasp the changes he's undergone physically! Yikes!!! I am the mother to a HUGE man-child! : ) He;s got a man-voice! In my sentimental state I created a last 7 years photo collage for you to see! I stopped at 7 years back for no reasons in particular. I could have kept going all the way to birth, but that would have been a huge collage!!!
Anyway, I wanted to share the most recent interview with you today as part of Autism Awareness Month. I asked him more questions than I usually would, and tried to dig a little deeper to let you get to know Caleb even more!
That's all for today!
We head out today to spend the weekend with family, but I wanted to make a quick appearance here to share some delicious and simple treats you can make for Easter (or anytime, really!)
I've got 2 treats to share, both wheat free, both could be gluten-free too (if you used gluten-free Rice Krispies).
I recently saw some little rice krispie nests from Crafty Morning, and thought they looked so gosh darned cute! I knew they'd be easy to make, but I was going to make some personal preference adjustments. For starters, the beautiful nests that Michelle at Crafty Morning made had an edible grass in them...? I've never even heard of such a thing, so I decided I would make a quick and small batch of green buttercream, and pipe some grass into my nests. Also, she uses Robin Eggs candies (chocolates?), again, I don't know what they are. But I do know what Cadbury mini eggs are, and I know we all loooooove them in this house, so that swap was a no-brainer!
The second sweetie I saw was Springtime Marshmallow Wands from Two Sisters. I love mallows, and chocolate, and my brain said, "Hey! You have sticks!", so then it just seemed like a natural step to go ahead and make these!
So, here you go! Enjoy!
Rice Krispie Nests
Makes about 36 mini nests
Ok, that's all for now!
Check out a post from last year of a delicious round-up of Easter Treats, all no bake, and most gluten-free!
In the post, Autism & The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time, I started to talk about the independence young people seek, and that is no different for people on the autism spectrum.
Our son Caleb with autism is now 12, and he is wanting to be independent, but still needs so much support. We want to offer him more freedoms, but find this very difficult at times because his safety is a concern, as well as the fact that with independence comes heartache, failure, and struggles, and as parents we want to protect our kids from that.
We are not the kind of parents to coddle, but we have realized that we are the kind of parents to micro-manage, for the sake of making life a little more stream-lined. For instance, if I’m baking, I really prefer to do it on my own. I like the order and tidiness in which I bake and prepare foods, and I like to have my own space, and work in my own time. I also prefer to do things myself like wash the dishes or sweep, because I can do it faster and better than the kids. I know you’re reading this and thinking, “duh? Of course you can do dishes and sweep better than a child!”, but the fact of the matter is, if I want my children to grow up and know how to do these things…...it’s gotta start with me teaching them!
A big part of being successful independently, is having the confidence that you are capable of completing whatever job/task you’re doing. This is true for my neuro-typical kids, but especially for my son with autism. If I expect him to grow into adulthood with the basic skills to take care of himself, I’ve got to let him do some things on his own!
Allowing independence to a child with special needs will look extremely different for each individual dealing with it because of the many aspects of autism there are to consider. For us, allowing liberties has looked simple to the outside eye, but for us, and for Caleb, these have been big stepping stones.
In the past few years we've made an effort to create some independence by providing simple choices for him to make. For instance, we've allowed him the chance to choose his own clothes every day (we made this easier by cutting down on the amount of clothes he has to choose from, and also keeping the clothes he has fashionable and well fitting. We've also starting buy 2 types of gluten-free cereal so that on cereal breakfast day, he can choose which cereal he wants. We’ve also started letting him grab his own bowl, and the milk from the fridge. We also have started letting him pour his own cereal and milk. With the responsibility of getting your own bowl, cereal and milk, comes the natural jobs of putting all those things where they belong when you’re finished!
These freedoms don’t sound like much, I know. But they’ve come slowly, and naturally based on what we thought he was ready to do. I used to take the extra time to get everyone’s bowls out, pour the cereal, and once the kids got dressed and got downstairs, I would pour the milk for them. I didn’t mind this “extra work” because I was used to it, and I was already in the kitchen getting lunches into backpacks and starting up the day.
Honestly, I’m so stubborn about some things, and insisting on just doing it myself to make life “easier”, that I was stunting the self-ruling growth of my children. For me, something that has really helped is my 2 daughters. One is 8 years old (Abigail), and one is 7 years old (Keziah). Abigail naturally takes steps into maturity because of the fact that she doesn’t have autism, and can verbalize needs, wants, and desires more easily than Caleb.
She’s really the one who started making my husband and I look at what freedoms we’d given Caleb, and the truth was, we’d hardly given him any!
Abigail started asking if she could “help me” get breakfast ready by getting out the bowls & spoons, cereal & milk. Or by taking out the bread and toaster, or grabbing the peanut butter and honey, yogurt, etc. She was eager to help because she inherently knew what she was capable of, and was eager to test out her new skills. It got me thinking about Caleb and how we’d kept him from doing these sorts of things because, well, it was always just “easier” for us to do it. This feeling was perpetuated initially because given the chance, Caleb would dump cereal everywhere, or pour so much milk it overflowed onto him and he’d have to get re-dressed for the day. He’d glop peanut butter onto the floor, and somehow manage to get honey into one of his sisters’ hair. It was frustrating, but important steps were being made toward him being successful at breakfast. FYI, he still pours too much milk, but not to overflowing. As they say, there’s no use crying over spilled milk (or peanut butter on the floor, or honey in hair!)! The only thing to do was to clean up, and try again.
Since Caleb “mastered” cereal, we’re now letting him try spreading peanut butter onto a banana, and have recently taught him how to cut an apple. This is something he often insisted on, but stopping to cut an apple (which is a fruit of choice in our house because it doesn’t need any special prep done to it!) wasn’t ever in my plans for the day. So, we finally taught him how to do it himself! We showed him several times how to hold the knife so that he didn’t accidentally cut his fingers off, and eventually, he got it. It bothers me that he sometimes leaves the hard “shell” that surrounds each seed from not cutting away the core properly, but I’m not eating the apple, so I had to learn to let it go (go ahead, sing the song from Disney’s Frozen…).
If our goal with Caleb (or any of our kids!) is that he grow into an adult who is capable of taking care of (at least) his own daily needs, then it’s never to early to start working on it. I want to know that he can shower (we’re still working on this), get dressed, make himself something to eat, clean up after himself, and get out the door on his own. His independence is something that keeps coming back in conversation between my husband and I, and that keeps us reading, asking questions, and laying awake in bed at night hoping we’re setting Caleb up right.
Each day is different, so each day offers new chances to give or take away freedoms. We thought we’d give Caleb the job of filling our outdoor wood stove. He was given much instruction on it, and how it must be done safely and properly, and although he was always doing this job safely, he wasn’t ever doing it properly. The wood wouldn’t catch fire, and the temperature would slowly go down, leaving our house freezing cold, and my husband or I would end up outside trying to rebuild the fire after we realized it had gone completely out. So, we talked with Caleb and told him that he wasn’t ready for that job, and instead had him carry a few logs everyday over to the outdoor wood stove from the wood pile. He was capable of the manual labour involved, but not of the skill and understanding of fires to successfully fill the stove and have it catch. For the most part though, we try to build on each new strength and liberty he is finding. Part of doing this though is the give and take in jobs or tasks given. So, with the stove, we thought maybe he could do it, but after giving him a fair chance at doing it, it became clear he wasn’t ready for that job. But, instead of my husband or I just throwing our hands up in frustration and saying “forget it! I’ll just do this job!”, we re-thought the situation, and gave him a different job within the same job frame. We also gave him a new job altogether after the fire-building failure, and that is to feed the dog in the evening. So, we changed one job, and gave him another that he is very capable of.
For a while last fall, Caleb kept going on about a push mower. I'm not at all sure why, to be honest, but our wonderful neighbour heard about this, so he gave Caleb a push mower! The neighbour had been given it as payment for a job, but he didn't need it, and hadn't used it in the years that he'd owned it. Caleb was over-the-moon excited! He'd get off the bus and immediately ask if he could cut the grass. The answer, of course, was yes! We were proud of him for really focusing, and he worked away in small patches everyday, and did a very good job!
We haven’t got this all figured out yet at all! I don’t think we ever will. Not giving up some of the jobs I was doing, and doing all the jobs myself was me hiding from the fact that Caleb needed to start doing more for himself in order to grow and gain confidence in who he was (and is) becoming as a young man. Sometimes letting him spread his wings is messy. Ok, it’s often messy, but it’s important.
Whether you have a child with special needs or not, ask yourself “am I giving them enough of a chance to grow and mature?”. If you’re not sure where to start, ask your child! If they are special needs, and not verbal, a good place to start would be to check out the list below of age appropriate chores. Doing chores creates independence, and builds confidence. Remember (but don't lament) that your special needs child is likely not within their biological age range for chores. Caleb is in the 7-10 age range, even though he's almost 13. That's ok. Something is better than nothing when it comes to building independence. And you can't build if you don't start!
There is a quote from a writer, Robert A. Heinlein, that says, “Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy”. This quote is so ironic here, as I am dealing with creating a life that is independent and fulfilling for my son who is “handicapped” (don’t get all upset over my use of the word! Handicap simply means that progress is slowed or difficult, or there is something acting as an impediment). Making his life “easy” though by doing everything for him will only act as a crutch as he gets older. He needs to learn, struggle, adapt and take on the challenges in his life so that he can live a confident life!
My Mom told me a story about a young man with autism who relied heavily on his older sister to get him up in the morning, get his breakfast for him, pack his lunch, and get him on the bus for school. The father worked, and was up too early to be able to take on these tasks, so this sister became the one responsible for making sure her younger brother got off to school everyday.
However, it happened one day that the sister, who was in high school, had exams, and so she slept in because she had the day off school. Her brother didn't though. When the Dad came home later in the morning, he found his daughter sleeping, and his son gone.
He woke up his daughter in a panic asking where the boy had gone! The sister realized she'd slept in, and had therefore forgotten to get her brother out the door for school. The Dad, not knowing where to start looking for his son, called the school to ask if they'd seen him at all.
"Of course!" the school told him, "he's been here, like usual". The Dad and daughter couldn't believe it. This young man had gotten up in time, got his lunch packed, got himself breakfast, and caught the bus to school. All on his own.
Part of me goes, "ahhhhhh! He could have run away or been kidnapped!", but then that part of my brain quiets and I think, "man, that kid was far more capable than his Dad or sister knew!" It's not the Dad & sisters' "fault" at all. As caregivers to special needs individuals, we have a fierce dedication to life going well for them, but at what cost? What is the person missing out on because we're doing it all for them?
Step out. Have faith in the person you care for. Know that them becoming independent doesn't mean they don't need you, but that they need you more than ever to teach them. Just getting through life isn't enough. Don't we want our children to thrive, to feel confident and have purpose? Special needs or not, building independence is a life goal, some people reach that stage on their own naturally, and others need a boost.
Finding a balance between dependence and independence is hard, but it's an essential life skill that can't be ignored. So, start today, start right now! Look at the chore lists above, see what you gave give your child today to start them on the path of independence.
I don't want it to sound like I'm preaching at you, I want to encourage you! Independence is so important for feelings of self-worth and builds confidence in our kids. Don't be afraid to give some things over to your special needs child and see what they can do. You may be surprised!
The novel, "The Curious Incident of The Dog in the Night-Time", by Mark Haddon, explores the life of one particular young man (Christopher) with Aspergers (a form of autism. Read a review of the book here). Although Christopher does demonstrate some genius, I like that the book (& the award winning play) also show some of the struggles he faces. This story is fictional, but it is clear that the author has put much time and energy into trying to understand some of the aspects of autism that make it "what it is", and shows us this through the eyes of young Christopher.
Even if you're not "into" theatre, the video clip below that shows some of the background work that went into the play is very educational regarding the inner workings of a mind with autism.
The book, as well as the play, follow Christopher as he becomes an amateur detective of sorts, following the murder of his neighbours' dog. I found the book interesting on a personal level because Christopher, who is approached by a policeman investigating the dogs' murder, touches him, and Christopher reacts by hitting him. My son, Caleb, who has autism, struggles with this very same problem of not being able to process unsolicited or surprising touch, and has to touch back to relieve whatever it is his body is going through as a reaction to being touched. We're really struggling with breaking this habit, as he sometimes chases people down to touch them back, and can become very angry in the process.
Themes explored in the book and play include coping with loss, feelings of value and safety, understanding that chaos is naturally present in daily life (and trying to create order in that chaos), the importance of identity, as well as grasping at that illusive time in life between being a child and an adult where you want to be seen as independent, but also realize how much support you still need.
Those themes I touched on are topics that reach across the entire autism spectrum, whether the individual is high functioning, or lower functioning. Caleb is now 12, and is stepping into the last theme of wanting to be independent, but still needing so much support. Allowing him more freedoms is difficult because we want to keep him safe, we want to make life a little less complicated for him, and he still requires a lot of assistance.
I will talk about autism and independence next Thursday, but for now, I just wanted to share about this book and play, and invite you to watch the video to help gain a new, better, or different understanding of autism.
The purpose in sharing about this story is because autism is so broad, and can look like so many different things. So, the more you read and become educated about it, the more you understand, and can show love, compassion, grace, patience, and support.
I know it's Monday the 3rd of April today, and World Autism Awareness Day was Sunday, April 2nd, but hey, when you're a Mom, and a Mom of a young man with autism, time doesn't always co-operate!
So, happy (late) Autism Awareness Day, and happy kickstart to National Autism Awareness Month!
This month I will be sharing about life with my son Caleb, stories and articles I've found interesting or helpful, and talking with other people about their experiences with autism.
From last year at this time until now, I can't believe the changes that have taken place in Caleb. Besides growing....and growing....AND GROWING (he's officially 1/2 an inch taller than me! Putting him at 5' 7 1/2'!!!), he's also jumped headlong into puberty, and has also been excelling at school (hallelujah!) : )
I hope that this month will be a time for you to get to know autism better, my son and our life with him, as well as raise awareness about autism, what it looks like, and how we can all help and make a difference for those living with autism!
Check out all my past posts about autism by clicking HERE.
Well, I hate to gripe about the weather....again....but it started snowing again last night! It's official! Spring is NOT coming to Ontario this year! Sorry! With some luck we'll hopefully get summer, but I'm not holding out hope at this point! While doing the barn chores this morning, and getting the hay out for the horses from our last bale I thought, "well, crap! I guess I'm going to need to get more hay?!?!" With the nice weather we had a few weeks ago I really thought we'd make it with the hay we had....but then the winter was like, "Psych! I'm cooooooming baaaaaack!". (insert weeping from this gal).
Don't get me wrong, I like winter. But it's officially been spring now for 2 weeks, tomorrow is April, in 2 weeks it's Easter - so I want spring!!! I am saying that like a 3 year old having a temper tantrum!
Alright....move on Amy-Lyn....no amount of whining will change the weather.....
Here at the Van Londersele house we like pizza. We like store bought, homemade, take-out (well, we rarely order take-out, but sometimes people come to visit for dinner, and they stop in town and grab a pizza or two). We'll eat sauce, cheese and pepperoni on baked potatoes, zucchini, and stuffed into chicken breasts. Because, let's be honest, tomato sauce, cheese and pepperoni together are soooo yummy,
I recently have been trying to get my kids (aka-trick my kids) into eating more veggies. They are actually all pretty good about eating the veggies they like, which isn't a bad variety of veggies, but I want to be able to make less and less variations of dinner to suit us all. I'm not a make-8-different-kinds-of-dinner-to-suit-everyone kind of Mom by any means, but I do tend to make the family something to eat (it's always gluten-free), but because I eat mostly paleo, I'm the one with the adjusted meal. Yes, I am the picky child in our family scenario. Ok, I'm not picky at all, just specific. So, for instance, if we're having a pasta night, the kids will have gluten free pasta, and Adam and I will have spaghetti squash noodles, or some other veggie noodle (because I own a Inspiralizer and can make noodles out of anything!).
Caleb, my eldest child who has autism is getting really, really good at trying new foods, but there are still a few he is very wary about. Spaghetti squash is one of those foods. But recently I'd made a casserole using spaghetti squash, and he ate it (he picked the broccoli out though). The casserole had a "cheese sauce", bacon and chicken though, so it was easy to get him to eat it. I'm not sure he even noticed it was spaghetti squash with how much he enjoyed the meats and "cheese".
So, taking advantage of his enormous pre-teen appetite, and his love of meat and cheese, and the fact that he'd successfully eaten spaghetti squash without gagging, I thought this could be a good time to try something new and delicious. Pizza stuffed spaghetti squash! Yes indeed!
I will openly admit that he was reeeeeeealy skeptical, and wasn't into eating his "pizza" out of the squash shell (or the "squashes stinky coat" as he called it!), so I dumped it into a bowl, added another generous pinch of mozzarella, and a sprinkle of parmesan....and he ate it! I may have also bribed him with a treat if he finished it. I mean, sometimes, no amount of meat, cheese, or treat bribery will work to convince him to eat something new, so the fact that it did speaks to the tasty value of these pizzas! He did say when he was done, "Caleb will not like spaghetti squash" (it sounds like a question, but he was making a statement), and I said, "but you ate it all?", and he said nothing. In my Mom brain though I heard him say "drat". : )
So, I'm not going to say "everyone will love this recipe!", but if your family already likes spaghetti squash then it's a no-brainer that you'll want to try this, but if your kids are on the fence, this may be the ticket to getting them on the spaghetti squash train!
Pepperoni Pizza Stuffed Spaghetti Squash
For a bunch more spaghetti squash ideas, check out this post from Buzzfeed!
I blabbed too much at the beginning of this post, so all I will say now is have a great weekend! Bye!
Well, I thought spring was here...but it's not. The sun is out most days, but the temperature is still in the below zero mark! I'm talking -10 with a nasty wind! You step out thinking, "oh, what a sun-shiny terrific day!", and then the snappy wind sweeps up and bites you in the face! Waaaaa! Yes, that was crying. Like a baby. I've started just rubbing coconut oil (organic, virgin) on my face because it was getting so dry and scratchy from the wind! Waaaa! More crying. This morning we woke up to snow, so…..waaaaaa waaaaa!
Ok, crying over, I actually like the coconut oil on my face! It smells loverly, and has made my skin reeeeeal soft!
Alright. Food time. In April of last year I wrote something called "The Great Potato Debate" and talked about potatoes, and how they are the evil enemy to weight loss and a long and happy life!!! (a slightly overdramatic voice needs to be used when reading that. Possibly even putting a hand to the forehead like a damsel in distress?).
Well, there are many pros and cons regarding potatoes, but sometimes, they are choice # 1 in my house. Why? Because they are really freakin' affordable, that's why! They are filling, they really do have many nutritious benefits, and they are a humble, blank slate to so many meal ideas! And THEN they are inexpensive on top of all that? Well, hot-dog, sign me up! All you need to do is load ‘em up with toppings (see the above link for a delicious recipe that I included at the end of the post!) after they come out of the oven, add a side of veggies, and your meal is complete!
When we do baked potatoes as a meal, I’ll switch up what we top them with. If the budget is particularly tight, we’ll just add butter, salt, and a tiny sprinkle of cheese. Other times we’ve made curry, chili, pulled pork, to top them with (separately, of course!) and then there's the ever “classic” baked potato toppings of sour cream, bacon bits, green onion and cheese.
Now, to take a humble baked potato to a new level, someone at some point (who loved mashed potatoes!), thought, “I wish the inside of my baked potato was filled with mashed potatoes! (this account is almost certainly 100% historically accurate!).
Enter the twice baked potato!
Granted, these take a little more work, but you can do the first baking, as well as mash and fill the potatoes ahead of time and then put the lovely stuffed gems into the oven when you need them! You can even fully prepare these up until the final baking, and store them in the freezer! After we had Keziah, a woman from church brought us the most amazing meal, all made ahead and frozen, and one of the super tasty items was twice baked potatoes. They were so delicious! This past weekend I devoured some mini twice baked potatoes that a friend had made for a St. Paddy's day party. She made them all earlier in the week, then froze them until party time!
The twice baked potatoes on the menu for today are of the bacon & spinach variety.
I know the pictures are all golden, cheesy-topped potatoes, and you dairy avoiders are all "I bet these don't taste as good without the cheese!", well, let me assure you they are still absolutely delicious!
Ok, I'm signing off! Time to shovel the driveway! Just kidding! I don't need to shovel....because the snow has turned to freezing rain!.....now I'm not kidding. Waaaaaa waaaaa!
March break is over!!!
While on a walk yesterday, one of our neighbours said to the kids, "I bet your Mom is ready for you guys to go back to school!". Well, last Sunday, before March Break started I may have thought, "Let's get this week over with!", but as the week went on, I found myself enjoying the ebb and flow I have with my kids. They are getting older, and we are all understanding each other better. Caleb, although dealing with autism, and being a pre-teen, is managing to get through his days (mostly) in one piece, and the girls have stopped their endless (ENDLESS!!!!!!!) arguing. Don't get too excited about that last one, we had to take away ALL of my youngest daughters stuffies (stuffed animals) on her bed because not only was she arguing, she was hitting, kicking, and generally expressing her anger in violence. So, everyday she gets through without blowing her top, she gets to pick one stuffy to have back. So, that's definitely helping with the arguing piece in our lives! Anywho, that was just a random parenting "aside".
Well, still, loving my kids and having an enjoyable March Break doesn't stop me from laughing at these memes I've picked out for today!
Can I say that my "motivational Mondays" should actually just be called "Meme Mondays"?. I find memes cheer me up because there are so many, and they can be so funny (because they are so true!).
So, here they are! My "Motivational Monday (aka-Meme Monday!) memes to help you laugh and start your week off right!
Which one made you laugh out loud?!? Let me know!
I was doing some stress baking last week. It felt like a long, hard week, and Friday was a sad and stressful day. So, there are 2 types of stress/sad reactions I have: 1-I can't seem to find any pleasure in cooking or baking, or 2-I want to bake and cook all day!
I made 2 types of muffins, quick and simple rolls, and then I wanted to make cookies...but I'd used all my eggs, and I don't have a vehicle at all right now during the day, and walking into town is out of the question as it would take me probably an hour and a half to get there. Seriously. I guess that's not that bad....I could have hopped on my sons bike and gotten there in maybe half an hour? Anyway, too late for that now!
Instead I started looking up egg-free chocolate chip cookie recipes. I wanted chocolate chip cookies! All the recipes I found were vegan, which wasn't exactly my point, I just had no eggs! Also....this'll sound judgemental, but the pictures of the cookies I saw were also of these sad, overly cooked, flat things which I was not interested in making. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there are some amazing recipes out there, and some beautiful photos to go with, but I wasn't in a patient mood to find such a thing!
So, I decided I would just experiment a little. I would take my own chocolate chip cookie recipe....and try not adding eggs? It's sounds cra-cra, but that's the kind of mood I was in!
I obviously knew I'd need some other wet ingredient to make up for the egg, but I wasn't too concerned about a binding agent because I make these out of this world whipped shortbread (or try these earl grey whipped shortbread!) that hold their own, without eggs, so I was feeling pretty good that I could make this work! And if they turned into some flat mess? Uh, the ingredients would still be amazing, so I could just eat them anyway!
I set out to get away with making chocolate chip cookies with no eggs, and I ended up making one of the easiest cookie recipes ever! I made these 3 times - yes, 3 TIMES from Thursday to Saturday to make sure I had this right because I knew I wanted to share the recipe a.s.a.p! Usually I'll make something, write a draft, save it for months, get to it eventually....but not these! No, I just need to share them right away!
Egg-Free Chocolate Chip Cookies
Makes approx.24 cookies
It is too easy to have these beauties baked up and ready to devour! I shared my 3 batches with the cast from The Belleville Theatre Guild's spring show, Little Shop of Horrors, shared some with close neighbours, some with other "neighbours" who really live a 10 minute drive away, but they're in the sticks like us, so it feels like we're all neighbours, and I shared some with a special friend from church. And I ate my fair share too, don't worry! : ) Oh, and can I remind you that because this is egg-free you can nibble (or gobble) some of the dough? Chocolate chip cookie dough is so darn delicious, and without any eggs, the "eating raw egg" danger involved in eating regular dough is eliminated! Hazaaa!
Don't forget to peek over at my Health & Fitness page today for the latest post about foods to improve your mood! So strange, a post about amazing, and completely unhealthy, chocolate chip cookies, and a Health & Fitness post! Well my friends, that's my life! Good food, exercise, and some amazing treats on treat day!!! It's all randomness, but all this randomness is me! So, thanks for stopping by! Leave a comment if you have something to say!
Today is a hard day for me. It's the day that marks the birth of my 5th child, a daughter, who I miscarried and who we named Ezra Faith.
I felt unsure where to start writing on this anniversary. I'd been starting and stopping, but not really being able to wrangle in any thoughts.
So, I decided to go to Kate Motaung's website to see what the theme was for this weeks "Five Minute Friday" and let myself write for a few minutes without any pressure or expectations.
The prompt for this week was "purpose", and so I set my timer for 5 minutes, and wrote:
Purpose takes on so many forms….and changes so often, it’s hard to know if you are living with your full purpose.
Today I stop to think about my baby Ezra, who I miscarried and delivered in hospital at 20 weeks gestation. Back then, 4 years ago, I thought I was on a path to become the Mom to a young baby again, but things changed. And suddenly, so did my purpose.
I had to wade through grief and sorrow, while still managing to care for my family. My purpose felt hazy and uncertain, and I wasn’t sure if I really ever knew what my purpose was.
But, I’ve had time on my side now. Four years have passed since this very day when I was in the hospital, holding my tiny, beautiful baby girl. Kissing her and telling her I loved her.
And this time has shown me that purpose comes from passion, passion is the fruit of soul searching, and soul searching comes through adversity.
I hardly wrote anything. When the timer went off I felt like the 5 minutes had been sucked into a vacuum. I sat back and re-read what I'd written, and my last paragraph jumped out at me like I hadn't just written it minutes earlier.
"Purpose comes from passion, passion is the fruit of soul searching, and soul searching comes through adversity"
She was my second miscarriage, the first miscarriage occurring just 8 months earlier. I was half way through this pregnancy at 20 weeks, and so I felt "safe". I was sure we would soon be welcoming a new baby into our family. When I close my eyes and remember the deep, dark sadness in my heart while my husband and I sat together in my hospital bed, holding our tiny baby girl, I cry. Ezra Faith was perfect.
My adversity brought me to look deep into my life and heart, and that soul searching gave me a passion, and that passion brought me to purpose. I feel my purpose in my family, as a wife and Mom. I can love, and teach, and guide, and be real and open and learn and grow with my husband and 3 beautiful, crazy and wonderful children. That fills me up everyday!
I can't say for sure who I'd be today if I hadn't lost Ezra. And that's not my story anyway. My story has her knit into my womb, and gone before I ever got to know her. But the mark she's left changed me forever, and for the better. Part of my life and purpose is her, and who I became because of her.
To read more about my experiences with the miscarriage of Ezra, you can read the stories at "Ezra Faith", "Ezra Faith: Two Years Gone", and Ezra Faith: Three Years Gone
You can also read about the son we lost, at "Abraham", and also at "Remembering & Forgetting: Abraham". and Moving Forward: Abraham
There is also a story about coping at "Feeling Blue"
Hi, I'm Amy-Lyn!
I am the lady behind this here blog! I live in the sticks with my animals, my super handsome husband, and my
3 amazing kids!
Here you'll find things from recipes (gluten-free, paleo, and strait up junk food!), DIY ideas, thoughts on raising a son with autism, and whatever else pops into my brain! : )
Read more about me by clicking here!
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